Abba Father…It’s My Birthday

11:17 PM 2/27/2007

Abba Father,
The clock is ticking, and in a little over 30 minutes i will be a year older. 26 to be precise. Father, where have the years gone? what has happened to my youth? i should be happy, father, but i am sad. i am grateful for your mercies through the years, but i am full of questions. i don’t know like i used to know. i don’t feel the fire i used to feel. i am in a place i do not understand. i am a mixture of emotions i cannot tag.

i had dreams father; i had passion. but somewhere along the line, i have lost them. strangely, i blame you. i do not know what i feel for you father. somedays i love you; other days i don’t understand you. i am struggling to write you this letter, even though i have a thousand and one things i want to say to you. but i cannot find the words. how can i explain the emptiness i feel on the inside? how can i explain the ignorance i have grown up with? how do i make you see the conflict that is become my life presently? i blame you because you have put giant-sized dreams in my heart, and yet placed me in a constricted environment.

i love my mom, and i miss my dad. they had limited education, but they sacrifised so much for me to have more. yet i wonder if indeed i got more. in trying to protect me, i was sheltered from the world, isolated from people. i grew up with mommy and daddy as my world. i grew up with books and movies as my friends. i probably should have learnt a lot from them, but i was naturally selective. and i selected the wrong materials. i read the wrong books, and watched the wrong films. well, not exactly wrong; just not the necessary materials. now, i am good in creativity, but zero in reality.

father, it didn’t matter then. mommy and daddy were always there to make decisions for me, push buttons for me. i didn’t have to live for me. but now, it is different. daddy is gone, and mommy is looking to me, and i am in a cold, cruel world. i do not have the smarts to deal with this world. it is not enought that i am intelligent. living in the real world goes beyond classroom smarts. father, i am ignorant. about so many things. i do not have legal documents to prove my birth. i do not have a drivers license, a passport or a bank account. i do not know anything about politics or management or fixing stuff. take away my computer, take away my pen and paper, and i am nothing. lord, i used to think i would be the youngest best selling writer. i used to think i would make a great actor. i used to think i would beat bill gates, and have even more money. that is all in the past now lord. i think it is all a fantasy.

now i find myself in ministry. you have so much faith in me father. you think i am all that. you think i can really be a splendour of your glory. i think you made a mistake. i think you are trying to bring out a toughness in me that don’t exist. i think i would have liked you to ask my opinion before you started me out on your program. i understand that you have good plans for me, and are looking to bag me a great future. but this path is so so precarious. i remember your words of assurance – now, but in the heat of the moment, i seem to forget.

i am scared lord. i am 26 and i am afraid. i am 26 and i am holding back tears. i am 26 and i feel like i was born yesterday. i am making 300grand per annum where my mates are making something in the region of 1.2million per annum. i used to think the difference was because i am in ministry. but i see now that folks who came in on the same level with me were no longer my contemporaries. i was working hard and learning new technologies. they were working hard at making money and getting things done in the company. they got bonuses and promotions. i got my salary.

i wonder, lord. i wonder if i have not made a mistake. i wonder if i have not become too spiritual that i am now earthly inefficent. i loook at the prophecies you have given me. and i wonder if i have not relied on faith without learning the facts.

abba father, i am 26 and i am disappointed in me. i have not achieved what i planned to achieve. i do not know how to achieve what i plan to achieve. i want to relive my life, as a different person. i want to make new decisions, and have new education. i find myself at a crossroads between faith and common sense. should i just trust you to make me a success? or should i work hard at becoming a success? should i trust you to open doors for me, or should i attempt to pick up the necessary qualifications? should i apply for a better paying job or should i trust you to bless me in ministry? should i take what i get, or should i negotiate a better deal? where do i draw the line between what i believe and what i must do?

i have blessings to count lord; i know that. i also know that my life presently isn’t the best it can be. is it me or is it you? am i waiting on you, or are you waiting on me? should i not be wiser at 26? yet i have so many more questions. i have never had a girfriend. i console myself with the thought that you are preparing one for me. but maybe i am too immature to handle a relationship? i cringe everytime someone confronts me over something; how then can i defend a woman in my life? why do you want me to be strong lord, when you have let me be so weak? why do youu want to show me off to the world lord, when i am in darkness about so many things?

abba father, scripture says you have the manuscript for the days of our lives. where does it end lord? where does my naivety stop? when do i get street smarts? today i am 26, and the days of my life are a big question mark. i used to make love with you lord; now i just go through the motions. what happened lord? is this a night season, or did i drift away somewhere? am i like joseph wandering in the field according to your plan, or am i like jonah going in the opposite direction against your plan?

it’s my birthday today lord, and i have to wear a smile and act like am happy. i cannot tell all of this to anyone. they wouldn’t understand. some will want to beat me over the head for feeling sorry for myself when i got a better deal than most other people. i know. but i also know that i can be better. i am grateful for where i am, lord, i just feel like i should be more in control, more aware of the direction of my life. it feels like i am walking with a blindfold, lord, and what hurts most about that is that i feel it’s my own fault. why am i so reserved?

Its Feb 28 now. Angela just called me a few minutes ago and said a beautiful prayer for me. something she said struck. she said God made me uniquely me, and she only prays for my improvement but that i should still stay me. I guess that is my birthday wish, lord. maybe i don’t so much dislike who i am. maybe all i need to do is just work harder and filling in the gaps in my life.

anyways, father, i have vented. i have gotten it all off my chest. pastor chris said in this year 2007, the joy of the lord will be our strength. each day i wonder where i will get the strength to face the day. i guess i know the answer now. i choose joy, father. in spite of all the changes i would love to see in my life, father i choose joy. and i choose you. i think my life would have been better if i had a more outgoing personality. but there must be a reason you are God and i am not. so father, i choose to trust you. i don’t know how i will be able to take on all the giants that are showing up daily in my life, but father i will trust you to back up my simple sling and stone. so maybe i am not as sophisticated as i would like to be. david wasn’t either. but he got the victory.

abba father, some days are hard. but i will keep holding onto your hand. somedays i dark, but i will keep listening in for your whisper. and whenever i feel like i do not fit in, i will shout out loud that i am “accepted in the beloved”.

thank you father for another year. thank you because you got my back through it all. trusting you each day is a lot harder for me now, but still not trusting is even harder. the words are heavy for me right now, but i cannot help it anyway: i love you lord, and i am honored to be your child.

cast down, but not destroyed.

PS: pea, if you read this somehow i feel you might be able to speak God’s heart for me in response to this letter. 

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Abba Father…It’s My Birthday

  1. Oh wow… that was a heartfelt letter to God.Please try not to think like this on your birthday… you are 26! Some people have not been able to achieve what you have… some have died, some are jobless, some don’t have God.You have God and I believe he will speak to you and reassure you. You are alive so your dreams are still attainable… It is well.God bless you on this day and everyday after.

  2. I’ll be back, i promise. Meanwhile, Happy b’day. God has kept u thus far for a reason and ur purpose in life will be fulfilled, come what may. I’ll slowly re-read this post after my exam on Thurday and i promise to be back. Till, then remain blessed under the Lord’s loving care and protection.

  3. Happy birthday DISGODKID, I hope this day gives you an opportunity to look forward to brighter prospects in life. I want to help in clarifying some issues with you to know that “you are not alone” we all deal with insecurities in our lives, but faith is what pulls us through and you have that which is a bonus. What you need to do is combine your faith with confidence and infinitely believe that you are a part of God’s greatest gift to MAN-KIND. You might be earning less now does not mean you wont be earning a substantial income in the future..look @ the long term, you are building experience and exposure, you might not see it! I came across your blog for the first time today and you are someone who is very much aware of your surroundings, because you don’t have thick skin does not mean you are not street smart. There would always be a babe out there for you, as you said someone made a statement in your prayer that you need improvement, maybe you need improvement in your delivery content and come out of your shell a little bit. Because you are a child of God does not mean you cannot express yourself and you definitely are. You mentioned in your write-up about wanting to have a piercing. I think it is Ungodly, I for one is in opposition to it but would not condemn anybody who has one, Maybe my background did not permit it and I grew up believing it was irresponsible for guys to wear one… it might be that my Parents would not condone it and that added to my psychological make up of refusing to have one. But I am an adult now and I can have one if I want to and deal with the consequences later, but why now? In my adolescent age it was very attractive to have one and if giving the freedom I might have had one (real talk) being an adult now I see no reason to have one because the trip is no longer existent, maybe a Tattoo but I hear it is the 666 mark and I am scared . This are all figment of my imagination and if I really want to do it I would, like the other things I have done in my life, be it I was pressured to do it or not at the end of the day I made my mind up under pressure or no pressure to do them. I have given you different VARIATIONS on my thoughts, so at the end of the day it was all embedded on CHOICE dictated by my MINDSET @ the TIME. (aren’t we just all living in a COMPLEX world). On the religious end, I can tell you we all are having faith issues (even your pastor goes through periods of doubt, I am not questioning his faith as a man of God but you need to be very explorative to figure that out (we are all living by his grace)and it happens to everybody.. We all fluctuate with our faith.I wanna brief through relationships with you, I am no specialist but could lend a hand on that subject A close friend of mine who had some similarities with you on the relationship end, in his late 20’s and just recently started dating with no experience on his resume, except that Naija babes where giving him back and forth yanga (Yes Naija gals when they see a correct Xtian Bobo with no history of babes they will be acting up, I guess it is the same as when you are going to apply for a Job and they ask you if you have experience and because of no experience they will not offer you the Job  I am just being conventional. It was a gradual step and he had to come out of his shell cause babes where not seeing his other characteristics, I am not saying that you have to say ungodly things or go to ungodly places ( judging from your posts, you are strong willed), to re-iterate on that you have to be explorative, open minded and still keep to your beliefs 100% (like doing 1001 things @ the same time and still sticking to our guns, back in college we took science courses which contradicted faith, but we still studied them). My friend who is a cultic Christian  has started going for salsa lessons, letting his liberal side show more to the females, he called me some days back asking to know where he can get some nice Blazers, goes to the gym like 3 times a week. He knows the program ( its all in the STATE OF MIND) and he is getting experience, exposure and building up his SELF PROFILE and the ladies would not only see that as an attraction but would also be thrilled when they find out he is also a genuine Man of God. His stakes are so high now that there is crazy competition and the Naija gals of the past are trying to rekindle the light that was blown away when he did not have the formula  (Unlucky them, only if they knew), don’t get it twisted my friend has always been conscious of himself and would have been able to get a babe regardless, might have taken him more time but he realized that he did not want to settle for less and the importance of raising our standards and extending our barriers to get what we really want. Most Guys our age want challenging women (don’t you?), it is important that every day improvement goes into all our activities (every aspect). Confidence emanates from you exterior no matter what anybody tells you, you have to be very positive and confident so that you don’t become exploited and taken advantage off. I guess you are going through changes and writing about them and that is a very good step and shows enormous improvement on your end. Take care and have a wonderful B’day and note that we are all sailing through LIFE hoping and believing for the best outcome, you are definitely on the path to ONE!Stay Blessed

  4. Happy birthday DISGODKID, I hope this day gives you an opportunity to look forward to brighter prospects in life. I want to help in clarifying some issues with you to know that “you are not alone” we all deal with insecurities in our lives, but faith is what pulls us through and you have that which is a bonus. What you need to do is combine your faith with confidence and infinitely believe that you are a part of God’s greatest gift to MAN-KIND. You might be earning less now does not mean you wont be earning a substantial income in the future..look @ the long term, you are building experience and exposure, you might not see it! I came across your blog for the first time today and you are someone who is very much aware of your surroundings, because you don’t have thick skin does not mean you are not street smart. There would always be a babe out there for you, as you said someone made a statement in your prayer that you need improvement, maybe you need improvement in your delivery content and come out of your shell a little bit. Because you are a child of God does not mean you cannot express yourself and you definitely are. You mentioned in your write-up about wanting to have a piercing. I think it is Ungodly, I for one is in opposition to it but would not condemn anybody who has one, Maybe my background did not permit it and I grew up believing it was irresponsible for guys to wear one… it might be that my Parents would not condone it and that added to my psychological make up of refusing to have one. But I am an adult now and I can have one if I want to and deal with the consequences later, but why now? In my adolescent age it was very attractive to have one and if giving the freedom I might have had one (real talk) being an adult now I see no reason to have one because the trip is no longer existent, maybe a Tattoo but I hear it is the 666 mark and I am scared . This are all figment of my imagination and if I really want to do it I would, like the other things I have done in my life, be it I was pressured to do it or not at the end of the day I made my mind up under pressure or no pressure to do them. I have given you different VARIATIONS on my thoughts, so at the end of the day it was all embedded on CHOICE dictated by my MINDSET @ the TIME. (aren’t we just all living in a COMPLEX world). On the religious end, I can tell you we all are having faith issues (even your pastor goes through periods of doubt, I am not questioning his faith as a man of God but you need to be very explorative to figure that out (we are all living by his grace)and it happens to everybody.. We all fluctuate with our faith.I wanna brief through relationships with you, I am no specialist but could lend a hand on that subject A close friend of mine who had some similarities with you on the relationship end, in his late 20’s and just recently started dating with no experience on his resume, except that Naija babes where giving him back and forth yanga (Yes Naija gals when they see a correct Xtian Bobo with no history of babes they will be acting up, I guess it is the same as when you are going to apply for a Job and they ask you if you have experience and because of no experience they will not offer you the Job  I am just being conventional. It was a gradual step and he had to come out of his shell cause babes where not seeing his other characteristics, I am not saying that you have to say ungodly things or go to ungodly places ( judging from your posts, you are strong willed), to re-iterate on that you have to be explorative, open minded and still keep to your beliefs 100% (like doing 1001 things @ the same time and still sticking to our guns, back in college we took science courses which contradicted faith, but we still studied them). My friend who is a cultic Christian  has started going for salsa lessons, letting his liberal side show more to the females, he called me some days back asking to know where he can get some nice Blazers, goes to the gym like 3 times a week. He knows the program ( its all in the STATE OF MIND) and he is getting experience, exposure and building up his SELF PROFILE and the ladies would not only see that as an attraction but would also be thrilled when they find out he is also a genuine Man of God. His stakes are so high now that there is crazy competition and the Naija gals of the past are trying to rekindle the light that was blown away when he did not have the formula  (Unlucky them, only if they knew), don’t get it twisted my friend has always been conscious of himself and would have been able to get a babe regardless, might have taken him more time but he realized that he did not want to settle for less and the importance of raising our standards and extending our barriers to get what we really want. Most Guys our age want challenging women (don’t you?), it is important that every day improvement goes into all our activities (every aspect). Confidence emanates from you exterior no matter what anybody tells you, you have to be very positive and confident so that you don’t become exploited and taken advantage off. I guess you are going through changes and writing about them and that is a very good step and shows enormous improvement on your end. Take care and have a wonderful B’day and note that we are all sailing through LIFE hoping and believing for the best outcome, you are definitely on the path to ONE!Stay Blessed

  5. Happy Birthday DisGodKid – wow another year in His Presence. Fair enough that you might not be where you want to be, but you are not where you used to be. Your life and its stages is purposed by God and has its significance. Remember His goodness to you and praise Him for that. Have a blessed one. And I will return to speak positive words into your life.

  6. @everyone, thank you for stopping over and leaving a comment and wishing me well. i did have a good time; a number of friends called me up, the office gave me a cake, and someone did me a song…if y’all can make it on time, i will save you some cake…lol…thanks.@+ve, your words were deep, and i am truly appreciative of the time you took to type it all up. i have saved it and intend to give it some good thinking. thank you much.

  7. HMM matthew I forgot your birthday!!!!!!!I FORGOT!!!!!!I feel so bad… but still, here, very belated, but heartfelt all the same: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.Now let me read the post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s