11:17 PM 2/27/2007
The clock is ticking, and in a little over 30 minutes i will be a year older. 26 to be precise. Father, where have the years gone? what has happened to my youth? i should be happy, father, but i am sad. i am grateful for your mercies through the years, but i am full of questions. i don’t know like i used to know. i don’t feel the fire i used to feel. i am in a place i do not understand. i am a mixture of emotions i cannot tag.
i had dreams father; i had passion. but somewhere along the line, i have lost them. strangely, i blame you. i do not know what i feel for you father. somedays i love you; other days i don’t understand you. i am struggling to write you this letter, even though i have a thousand and one things i want to say to you. but i cannot find the words. how can i explain the emptiness i feel on the inside? how can i explain the ignorance i have grown up with? how do i make you see the conflict that is become my life presently? i blame you because you have put giant-sized dreams in my heart, and yet placed me in a constricted environment.
i love my mom, and i miss my dad. they had limited education, but they sacrifised so much for me to have more. yet i wonder if indeed i got more. in trying to protect me, i was sheltered from the world, isolated from people. i grew up with mommy and daddy as my world. i grew up with books and movies as my friends. i probably should have learnt a lot from them, but i was naturally selective. and i selected the wrong materials. i read the wrong books, and watched the wrong films. well, not exactly wrong; just not the necessary materials. now, i am good in creativity, but zero in reality.
father, it didn’t matter then. mommy and daddy were always there to make decisions for me, push buttons for me. i didn’t have to live for me. but now, it is different. daddy is gone, and mommy is looking to me, and i am in a cold, cruel world. i do not have the smarts to deal with this world. it is not enought that i am intelligent. living in the real world goes beyond classroom smarts. father, i am ignorant. about so many things. i do not have legal documents to prove my birth. i do not have a drivers license, a passport or a bank account. i do not know anything about politics or management or fixing stuff. take away my computer, take away my pen and paper, and i am nothing. lord, i used to think i would be the youngest best selling writer. i used to think i would make a great actor. i used to think i would beat bill gates, and have even more money. that is all in the past now lord. i think it is all a fantasy.
now i find myself in ministry. you have so much faith in me father. you think i am all that. you think i can really be a splendour of your glory. i think you made a mistake. i think you are trying to bring out a toughness in me that don’t exist. i think i would have liked you to ask my opinion before you started me out on your program. i understand that you have good plans for me, and are looking to bag me a great future. but this path is so so precarious. i remember your words of assurance – now, but in the heat of the moment, i seem to forget.
i am scared lord. i am 26 and i am afraid. i am 26 and i am holding back tears. i am 26 and i feel like i was born yesterday. i am making 300grand per annum where my mates are making something in the region of 1.2million per annum. i used to think the difference was because i am in ministry. but i see now that folks who came in on the same level with me were no longer my contemporaries. i was working hard and learning new technologies. they were working hard at making money and getting things done in the company. they got bonuses and promotions. i got my salary.
i wonder, lord. i wonder if i have not made a mistake. i wonder if i have not become too spiritual that i am now earthly inefficent. i loook at the prophecies you have given me. and i wonder if i have not relied on faith without learning the facts.
abba father, i am 26 and i am disappointed in me. i have not achieved what i planned to achieve. i do not know how to achieve what i plan to achieve. i want to relive my life, as a different person. i want to make new decisions, and have new education. i find myself at a crossroads between faith and common sense. should i just trust you to make me a success? or should i work hard at becoming a success? should i trust you to open doors for me, or should i attempt to pick up the necessary qualifications? should i apply for a better paying job or should i trust you to bless me in ministry? should i take what i get, or should i negotiate a better deal? where do i draw the line between what i believe and what i must do?
i have blessings to count lord; i know that. i also know that my life presently isn’t the best it can be. is it me or is it you? am i waiting on you, or are you waiting on me? should i not be wiser at 26? yet i have so many more questions. i have never had a girfriend. i console myself with the thought that you are preparing one for me. but maybe i am too immature to handle a relationship? i cringe everytime someone confronts me over something; how then can i defend a woman in my life? why do you want me to be strong lord, when you have let me be so weak? why do youu want to show me off to the world lord, when i am in darkness about so many things?
abba father, scripture says you have the manuscript for the days of our lives. where does it end lord? where does my naivety stop? when do i get street smarts? today i am 26, and the days of my life are a big question mark. i used to make love with you lord; now i just go through the motions. what happened lord? is this a night season, or did i drift away somewhere? am i like joseph wandering in the field according to your plan, or am i like jonah going in the opposite direction against your plan?
it’s my birthday today lord, and i have to wear a smile and act like am happy. i cannot tell all of this to anyone. they wouldn’t understand. some will want to beat me over the head for feeling sorry for myself when i got a better deal than most other people. i know. but i also know that i can be better. i am grateful for where i am, lord, i just feel like i should be more in control, more aware of the direction of my life. it feels like i am walking with a blindfold, lord, and what hurts most about that is that i feel it’s my own fault. why am i so reserved?
Its Feb 28 now. Angela just called me a few minutes ago and said a beautiful prayer for me. something she said struck. she said God made me uniquely me, and she only prays for my improvement but that i should still stay me. I guess that is my birthday wish, lord. maybe i don’t so much dislike who i am. maybe all i need to do is just work harder and filling in the gaps in my life.
anyways, father, i have vented. i have gotten it all off my chest. pastor chris said in this year 2007, the joy of the lord will be our strength. each day i wonder where i will get the strength to face the day. i guess i know the answer now. i choose joy, father. in spite of all the changes i would love to see in my life, father i choose joy. and i choose you. i think my life would have been better if i had a more outgoing personality. but there must be a reason you are God and i am not. so father, i choose to trust you. i don’t know how i will be able to take on all the giants that are showing up daily in my life, but father i will trust you to back up my simple sling and stone. so maybe i am not as sophisticated as i would like to be. david wasn’t either. but he got the victory.
abba father, some days are hard. but i will keep holding onto your hand. somedays i dark, but i will keep listening in for your whisper. and whenever i feel like i do not fit in, i will shout out loud that i am “accepted in the beloved”.
thank you father for another year. thank you because you got my back through it all. trusting you each day is a lot harder for me now, but still not trusting is even harder. the words are heavy for me right now, but i cannot help it anyway: i love you lord, and i am honored to be your child.
cast down, but not destroyed.
PS: pea, if you read this somehow i feel you might be able to speak God’s heart for me in response to this letter.