The Conflict of the Called

i don’t have any answers in this post…

they say that sometimes it is people with the worst past that end up creating the best future. this sunday morning, sitting up in bed in my hotel room, the machine gun preacher biopic is on my mind…

Christianity Today describes machine gun preacher this way: “Some faith questions are easy to answer in a vacuum, but it is in bloody, broken, and troubling reality that they become real—and harder to answer” – I am one of those  that believe in this school of thought…

i spent the last few days talking to my mentor, aunty B, about my recent conflict. Sometime last month, I realized that i made the classic “nepios” mistake when i heard God speak to me about a place called rest by assuming god was only speaking about my current situation. I forgot the lesson i learned from pastor chris on how to hear what god is not saying in what he is saying. and because i forgot, i spent the whole of last month living restlessly even though god had spoken rest to me.

july was a messy conflicted month where my faith seemed “bloody, broken and troubling”. i admit a lot of it was my fault – in aunty B’s words, i went about doing a good thing in a wrong way. one question aunty B posed to me “what would jesus have you do?” is one  i am not sure i can answer truthfully yet. “in all of this ayomipo, you still have not said to me that god is not happy with what you are doing; you still don’t see it as wrong…”

even though i am willing to admit that i was wrong because there is something greater at stake, i am still confused about how to handle what seems to be gods call for my life. “god will not give you a gift that will cause you so much mental torture; i speak peace to your heart and mind ayomipo”, aunty B prayed with me. aunty B recommends i sit down with god and a pen and paper and ask for specifics. i intend to do this.

but how do you answer the questions that machine gun preacher poses. and when i look into the bible, right from genesis i see conflict in everyone that god calls – adam’s conflict between gods voice and his wifes voice; abraham’s conflict between sarah and hagai; Joseph’s conflict between being a dreamer and a prisoner; david’s conflict with being anointed for king and yet running for his life; saul’s conflict with needing david and wanting to kill him; and even jesus’ conflict in the garden of gethsamene…

even though the bible summarizes many of these conflicts in neat tidy passages, i am one of those who believes that faith is not meant as a panacea…

for me, my journey of faith has been made of finding questions in answers – i found faith in christ embasssy and yet i questioned many of their methods; i found direction in lighthouse church and yet i am questioning some of our context; i found joy in my job and yet i question my satisfaction in the challenges; i found love in my marriage and yet i question my ability to work out my marriage with fear and trembling; i find orgasm in worshiping god and yet i question my neglect of the gathering of the brethren; i find purpose in my ability to empathize with broken and troubled women and yet i question my intent and capacity to not get emotionally attached; i find honor in my innocence and naivety and yet i question the fact that innocence/naivety was not equal to righteousness in the garden of eden.

i love god. i want to live for him. i want to be used by him. i don’t want to be religious or politically correct. i want to be a man of the spirit who cannot be predicted but is led of the spirit. i am not interested with popular faith, i am passionate about inspired and instructed faith.

not my will lord, but yours be done…

PS: It’s funny how this seems a recurrent theme in my life: 2006, 2007, 2007, 2007, 2007, 2009,  2011, and now 2015


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