i have been standing god up.
aunty b recommended i pick up a pen and paper and have a conversation with god but i am not yet ready to have that conversation. i kind of still blame him and am giving him the silent treatment for his poor recruitment strategy. everybody knows you always pick the best of the bunch for the task; but not god, he insists on picking the glaringly inadequate and unqualified – like me.
and yet, this morning, sitting in my hotel room with Trace on mute and sex sounds coming from the room next door, god’s voice sneaked in through all the walls i had put up: “as you get closer to me and your appointed destination, things will become clearer. you will see more clearly and you will understand why certain things needed to happen.”
i find it annoying when god does this; his ability to answer my unspoken questions; his ability to be unruffled by my tantrums, and his ability to be so at peace when i am in the middle of a storm. it makes me feel like he is downplaying my struggles. i would like to see him get a little bit worked up too.
but its good to know that god’s got it all in control. especially when in retrospect i understand that, in what seems like gods absence and non-involvement he never really leaves us alone. he is always working behind the scenes. as i sit here typing i realize that the same issue that has kept me pouting at god and standing him up because i lack the right words to throw at him and because i am not ready to wear the courage i know he will ask of me, in spite of all this, god has been working out the situations of my life to give me just that same courage i have been procrastinating on.
aunty b, remember when you asked me of the possibility of a restructure and i said very slim? well apparently god had other ways of restructuring planned – it has been almost 3 weeks incommunicado, and it has gotten a lot easier. i am being deliberately vague but i hope you understand.
i still need to do that sit-down with god i know, but for now i will bask in knowing that he is carrying me through this moment.
Thank you for praying with me aunty b.