I have to confess that I have been scared. Ever since god told me he was giving me the perfect day. Hearing him pronounce all those wonderful blessings over me was exciting at first, until I penned it down on the blog and realized now the whole world would be watching.
I hate to fail. I hate to be less than perfect. I hate not knowing the details of how things will work out. But walking with god is teaching me that I will only have enough light to take the next step, and the next, and the next.
I have spent the last 30 days in the book of genesis – chapter 41 precisely. Since god told me about the direction of my life for 2016, I have been doing a lot of listening, as his voice washed over my spirit with instructions for the perfect day. And yet in spite of the divine monologue, fear has been lurking around in the shadows of my mind; showing up in unexpected moments…in my job, in my marriage, in my friendships, in my finances, in my esteem.
But like the psalmist, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, his rod and his staff comfort me. In the midst of my fear, I rediscovered ted dekker and in a few days I consumed the outlaw chronicles. At the end of the read, one thing stood out for me – Deditio, or in more familiar language, Surrender. God was telling me to surrender my desire to be able to control all things, my need to know the details, my urge to get everything just right.
Tonight, as I worshipped along with stefanny gretzinger, I realized that god had paid the highest price for me when he sent jesus to die on the cross. That message began to settle in my spirit, and it hit me if god could give me his precious son, then it was so easy for him to give me the perfect day – to help me give out my car, to help me pay rent for others, to help me furnish their apartment, to help me start a business for someone, to help me send someone to school…to help me be a blessing to my world.
It was so easy for him to make the sun stand still… just for me; to make donor agencies make changes to their program implementation…just for me; to make organizations make changes to management decisions…just for me; to make governments make changes to national policies…just for me; to make banks create opportunities for increase…just for me, to dethrone vasthis’ so that esthers’ can be enthroned…just for me.
See, I don’t have to figure out all the details, i don’t have to figure out how to have the perfect day…I just need to follow the voice trail in scripture, in christian fiction, in bethel worship songs, in those random moments when deep calls to deep.