You know, the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go from there is up. I am really not surprised the way things have turned out. The writing was up on the wall, and i was more like a spectator watching my life careen on a fast lane i had never traveled before. A long time ago, i heard or read somewhere that, life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. That makes a whole lot of sense to me now.
Basically, there are two things i could do, i thought to myself. I could stay down and die. Or i could pick up the pieces and start over. Giving up is always easier, but i guess for a man whom Christ foreknew, predestined and chose before the foundation of the world, giving up is not an option.
I read my bible today, after what seems like ages. And i spoke in tongues too. I have never reached such a spiritual low before, but it now makes a whole lot of sense what David wrote in the psalms: my soul longs for you in a dry and thirsty land. I had become so distanced from god, that even though i was aware of him, i just could not connect to him. I had been living off the word deposit in me, and i had hit an empty tank. It is not a pleasant feeling to lose your intimacy with God. So many times, i watched with lustful, envious feelings when i saw others worship and commune with god. It was a place i had been before; a place i longed to be in, but i just couldn’t find my way there. Anger and bitterness had crept in. Despair and depression followed.
But I can either be a victim of my past, or i can be a pioneer of my future. So i decided to pick up the pieces of my life, and applied for a two week leave off work. I needed to take responsibility for my life and my future. Pea wrote in one of her posts that God sent the manna, but the people has to go and pick it up.
I have written this paragraph a number of times but I can’t seem to put down the words that are in my head to put down. Maybe because behind the words are emotions I should no longer have. Well, basically while I was away I went home to see my mom. It was a time of joy and grief. Joy, because after so long I was home again; grief because I had to go again. To a life of service in ministry. But I had to leave. At this point I was not so sure whether I believed the promises God had given me. I used to think maybe I had heard wrong, but it was different now. I was angry and bitter and rebellious. And I didn’t care much what God wanted me to do again.
After a week at home, I went back to school to pick up my Statement of Results for my B.Sc and also apply for the one year of service to the government that every graduate is supposed to go through. They call it the “National Youth Service Corps”. Others call it “Now Your Suffering Continues”. I always thought I would be able to avoid it. To me it was and still is a waste of time and talent. But it is a law in the country, and I have come a long way to learn that some laws have to be kept.
So I am back in the office. The first thing I did is to visit our HR department. I used to think because I was working in ministry miracles would happen. Well, I guess miracles will still happen, but God also needs a rod to use. I had neglected to pick up my certificates and neglected the laws of the land for graduates simply because I believed God had called me to be in ministry and he would just take me all the way through. Well, I know better now. Because of my lack of certificates I couldn’t qualify for certain benefits – even in ministry. So now, am working and hoping to get myself some professional certifications. I might be doing time for God, but God also needs trained hands. David said: he teaches my hands and my fingers to fight and to do war. There is always a training required.
I am going to have to stop here because this is not coming out the way I would like it to. Bottom line, I am back on blogger and to blogging and my internet access permitting, I should be regular again.
Each day I learn that I have so much yet to learn. At least now I know.
Faith is Made of This 