Deep Cut

For the first time in my life, I hate woman.

“Novia, I am really hurting here. I don’t understand what’s going on [between us]”.
“Ayo, I am beginning to sound like a broken record. If you don’t believe me that there’s nothing wrong, then you can make your own conclusions”.

Novia said there was nothing wrong. But the sound of her voice and her attitude said something totally different. Wondering why, what, when, how was literally driving me crazy. Was it something I said? Something I did? Did it have anything to do with me at all? Was it something that happened to her over there? Was it the long distance away from each other? My mind was asking a 1001 questions.

Right from the day we became 3 months, and the day we had been away from each other for one exactly month, her calls stopped, her sms stopped, she stopped replying my sms, she became very formal and curt answering my phone calls, and she stopped calling me “baby”. First, it was the silence. Then the shoulder. No explanations. No accusations. Just a blank page.

I used to tell people that it is better to love and lose, than not to have loved at all. But now, I can’t even bear to think that thought. I used to say you cannot truly love until you are truly vulnerable. But now, I loathe that thought. I used to believe in love. Now, I believe in magic – just another illusion.

I don’t know when or if I will blog again. My heart is bleeding, and the only reason am not crying yet is because I don’t even know what emotion to unleash; Pain? Fear? Confusion? Anger? Resentment? Regret? Revenge? Bitterness? Hate?

My heart bleeds. This time, Novia cut me deep.

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Untitled

this post is untitled because i cannot tag what i am feeling right now.

1. they say the ones you love the most are the ones you can hurt the most. i don’t disagree. and why won’t women just tell you whats on their mind? men are not trained in reading minds after all. and is it wrong to compliment and pamper the one you are in a relationship with? does it ever get too much? or does a woman just need to have space some time? if she doesn’t do what she usually does, does it mean that its just a busy moment, or does it signal a love-check? hmmm…..love is complex and hard work…i dont disagree either.

2. i plead guilty. i may be shallow. i have known this girl for a little over a year now. we have talked man nights on phone, and she was great to talk to and share things with. before i met novia, i used to dump on her. after i met novia, she celebrated with me. i had never met her in person. we just talked on MTN’s free midnight call for over a year. we developed a friendship. then i traveled to port harcourt and met her for the first time. i couldn’t turn and walk away – we had bonded already. and after all it was only for a few hours.

yesterday she had to come to lagos for her nysc. i am the only one she knows so she had to stay in my place until her re-deployment letter was picked up today. It turns out that the letter wont be ready till next week thursday.

i am ashamed to say this, but i cant wait for her to be gone. i dread the next few days. why? bcos i like pretty girls, and she doesn’t cut it for me. and there’s just something about her presence that doesn’t excite me(what’s that strange odour suddenly? it it her cream or soap or something?)

she really just needs a favor for a few days, and she has been a great talk mate to me for a lot of months when i was single and lonely. but she’s just not pretty enough for me….and shes too “just-not-the-kind-of-girl-that-would-make-a-man-take-a-second-glance”…

i know. its shameful that i feel this way. am just not attracted. in fact i am almost repulsed. i plead guilty.

PS: Novia knows this girl is staying with me. She consented considering the situation.

so there, av spilled it….judge me, or not.

Counting Down

In church this morning, i wasn’t really paying attention. But somewhere from my subconscious, God’s voice bubbled up to me: You are counting up; but I am counting down.

I wasn’t really in a receptive mood but those words were like cold water on a very hot day. I said in a previous blog that i felt like God was wasting my time, and i was getting dissatisfied and unfulfilled with the church work thingie. By next month i would be three years out of school and three years on the job; i felt like i could have done more, been more, had more…like my contemporaries. I felt like 3 years had passed and i had nothing to show for it.

But with the words that bubbled up in my spirit, i realized that i was doing the count wrong. i was counting up the years, and thinking nothing had happened. But God let me know that he was counting down the years, and excited at what was about to happen.

You know, like Abe…i wonder how he felt 10 years after Gods promise to him began to sound like fairy tale…then 15 years, then 20, then 25…he came to a point where he even laughed at God’s reminder that sarah would have a baby…so many years had piled up that he had stopped counting….but God had been counting down all along, and had not forgot.

Honestly, its hard to put one foot in front of the other most days. As i write this post, i don’t even have enough cash to get me to work in the morning. But God says he’s counting down because something is about to happen.It did for Abe. Noah. Joseph. Lazarus. Jesus.

Me too.

The Loss of Single-hood

It’s a Friday night and my flat mate is leaving the country. i was feeling lonely, so i asked my friend to come sleep over. She happens to be a girl, and we are quite close.

I called my girlfriend, and asked if she was OK with it. Novia said no, because of the wrong impression it might give. Now i was stuck with the unpleasant task of asking her to leave. But i had to send her off.

Tonight i learned a lesson: i no longer have the liberties of single-hood. No more female sleep-overs. No more checking out cute chicks.

Hmmm… i guess with relationship, comes responsibility and accountability. But i have no regrets.

The Hard Part

The hard part is that 99% of the people you know, can not relate.

“Come on Mary, you can tell everyone else that you saw an angel and stuff. But you and i go back a long ways. You can trust me, you know. Who got you knocked up?”

“So Ayo, you know you’re pretty much a talented and inspiring young man, and this church thin of yours is really noble and all. but give it a thought will you? isn’t this too much of a risk? i mean, you’re not getting any younger, and there’s so much more than this that life has to offer you.”

I have three books of what God has said to me, but there’s a lot of facts in what they say…