The Dilemma of a Relationship with God…he doesn’t control you, he gives you options and choices. ARggghhhhhh.
so i am having a conversation with Abba…
he is saying the opportunities are great, and he’s got my back any which way. that should be comforting right? but no, my overthinking mind is trying to map out all the lines across the opportunities from start to finish. i want to know the future of today’s choice. why does that sound like unbelief? especially when god is saying either choice is right? maybe because i am looking for the easier path? less risky path? but if i must feel safe all the way down the path then why do i need to have faith in he who sees the end from the beginning? but if he would just tell me which path to take that would be so much easier, right?
God, interrupting my train of thoughts: so that you can blame me down the line when you feel uncomfortable right? no thanks i will pass. i done my job already – i gave you the plan for 2019: a season of immeasurable excess. i have given you the map also: be still and know that I AM. so i done my part , kiddo, now its your turn. i am happy to sit on the sidelines and cheer you on as you explore the goodness i have released for you.
I have been busy. Too busy to even have my documented conversations with God. But what God said to me the last time has been reassuring – “i am not possessive or demanding. i am secure in my relationship with you”.
in the midst of all this, i realized we were approaching september. over the past 3 years, i have observed a trend that God talks to me about the new year in september. but typical of God he does not like to be boxed so this time, he spoke to me in the last week of august.
two words – immeasurable excess.
since then i have been meditating. 2018 was, for me and wifey, a season of overflow. now god pronounces 2019 as a season of immeasurable excess. apparent synonyms. it’s like a continuation of what has started in 2018.
i was a bit skeptical about this word, until i was in church the sunday after god spoke, and my pastor hinted in passing that gods word for us as a church would be a continuation of his word for 2018. then i got my confirmation. you see me for me, the pastor and the church is never my first opinion of gods will for my life. the pastor and the church is meant to be a confirmation of what god already spoke to me. i think this is what empowers abuse in the church. many christians are too lazy to hear god for themselves, and give pastors the power to manipulate and cult-ize what is meant to be a personal intimate affair with god.
anyways, here’s to 2019. my season of immeasurable excess. my wife and i are excited. time to learn at his feet how to achieve this goal.
hello god, good morning, how was your night? lol saying that makes me chuckle. it is interesting how interpretation changes over time and place. i am remembering recent street conversations about how asking about someone’s night refers to their sexual episodes. it is like you said, to the pure all things are pure. anyways, here i am again, still struggling to maintain fellowship and conversation with you. it worries me sometimes that i am not as hungry and thirsty for you as i once was; it worries me sometimes that i am not effectively leading my wife spirtually as i should. it worries me that your blessings in our life seems to be a clear and present threat to our fellowship and intimacy. i am confused because we love you but we do not feel intimate as we should. how can you help us?
Intimacy is a function of intercourse. You can only be intimate with someone you regularly fuck. I created sexual intercourse to be a mingling of souls and a bonding of spirits, it is the highest form of intimacy that exists on earth. remember that i have said before that relationship with me is as marriage between a man and a woman. our relationship is a marital affair, now on earth, and even afterwards when the earth ends. so when you think about the dynamics of your relationship with me, think about the dynamics of your relationship with your wife. marraige does not thrive on auto-pilot. it requires consistent investment and work to make it blossom. but the occassional absense of this investment does not mean the end of the marriage, it simply means life is happening to both of you. yet the love that you both have sends a signal for when you should both stop and reconnect. also sex in marraige is not a daily affair, sometimes it is more frequent than other times. the bottom line is that both of you recognise when you need to step back from doing life and rekindle the flame in your relationship. it is the nature of earthly life. but do not forget the most beautiful part of your relationship with your wife – whether together or apart, there is still a telepathic connection that you both have that sometimes is reflected in your “random withcraft moments” as you put it.
dear child, it is the same way with me. my spirit resides in you and will always signal you when we need to rekindle our flame. i am not possessive or dependent. i am secure in my relationhip with you. the blessings i have given you demand that you discover new paths that i have prepared for you. i am happy to watch your evolution. i do not demand your constant presence, i only desire our telepathic connection. just like you chat with your wife over whatsapp and you maintain an unbroken interaction, whether together or apart, so also should your fellowship with me be. as you and your wife make deliberate attempts for date night and sex night and future plans, make deliberate attempts to feed our relationship through prayer and bible study and conversations with me.
i love you. i am with you. i will keep you.
hi god, how are you? i am in a weird place. besides not feeling too great physically, i feel like my mind is overanalyzing as usual. you have done something i have never seen before, like Tasha and Nicki said you would. I have not even really thanked you for that yet. I think because it took so long to happen my heart got a little weary waiting. But i am super excited and thankful for what you have done. so why do i not feel al victorious like i should?
This is the victory that overcomes the world, even your faith. Not your feelings. Feelings are you human response to earthly sensations. Faith is your spiritual response to my will. Your feelings may not always line up with your faith, but what matters is that your faith lines up with my will.
I have blessed you. I have given you what you hoped and prayed for. Enjoy it. Do not overanalyse it. Do not create fictitious drama around it. You are not the person responsible for keeping the world in its course. That is my job. And i havent dropped the ball there. You can be sure i will not drop the ball on you either. Rest in my provision. Be confident in my reward. This is just the beginning. Nicki said level up 3 times. This is round one.
hey god, how are you? i am still trying to get back into the groove of deliberate conversations with you. but what you said to marilyn was really helpful. it’s not really about what i say to you, its more about hearing the sound of my voice. i get that, because i desperately missed the sound of your own voice. so here i am again, rekindling the flame between us.
i tweet-debated with someone yesterday about the role of women in your kingdom. it bothers me that many of us believers spend time majoring on the minors. i am also concerned that my mentee confided in me about her sexual confusion and am not so sure i know how to respond to her the way you would.
sometimes this faith life can be very blurry in today’s world. no wonder you said what matters is being led by your spirit. dont ever stop leading me, please, no matter how distracted or resistant i may tend to be. you have carte blanche over me lord.
carte blance…that made me smile. and i almost feel like i dont need to say anything else. as long as you give me carte blanche over you, then the universe will remain in balance. that is what surrender means. that is the lesson i taught you last year. so yeah, carte blanche is a good place for us to be in.
the rules of my kindgom are simple ayomipo. so simple that many stumble over it. i am not a complicated god. i am not out to mask or muddle my mind or will for my children. i desire that they see me as plain as day, but for that to happens, it requires continued fellowship and intimacy with me. intimacy is a 2 way thingy, not a threesome. intimacy is developed through intercourse not just flirting. those that undeerstand my will are those that have regular intercourse with me. women have a role to play in my kindgom that is different from men. but those rules are not made by tradition or culture or history. they are made by me. i choose whome i choose. i am both male and female. i am man and woman. i am your father and your mother. so is my new creation. that is why it is impossible to get married in heaven. because gender is an earthly construct. it’s purpose is simply for earthly convenience.
concerning your mentee, you have blurred the lines for her. but you have also gained her trust. that is a rare thing that you should not disregard. you cannot save a soul until you have gained their trust. but you are right in that you should not alienate her. when i want to save a soul i reach out to them where they are. and i unveil my self to them. the only way out of darkness is to be attraceted to the light. that is why i called you the light of the world. do you want to save her? then shine so bright that she may see me in you.
hey god, how are you? this just got worse. i typed up a whole post complaining about how awkward it feels trying to make conversation with you again, but my wordpress app just crashed. so anyways, i was saying am sorry that i have neglected fellowshiping with you because i have been busy doing life. but i am thankful that your presence never left inspite of my non communication. help me lust after you again. i miss us and our date night moments.
Remember what i told Marilyn:
A prayer does not have to be anything specific. You don’t always have to ask. You don’t always have to praise. You don’t always have to intercede. You can do all of those things. You can claim your rights as a child of God. You can speak my Word and my promises over a situation. But, you don’t have to. All I ask is that we keep talking. I just want to hear what you want to tell me and I want you to listen to me. It is no different than any other relationship. Even when you know what someone you care about is going to say to you, you still want to hear them say it. You may know that someone loves you but it is good to hear it now and then. You may know that someone is going to ask you an important question, but you still wait to hear them ask it before you answer. The same is true of me. I know you. I made you. So yes, I know what you are going to ask before you ask it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to still ask for it. I need to hear it and you need to say it.
You worry too much about unnecessary stuff.
This is what I heard in my spirit yesterday. And today.
I am still longing for the voice and words of God. I think the holy spirit is trying to reignite the flame. Even though I miss the sound of God, I sense that the silence is not a result of his absence. Rather it is because I have not fully healed.
Today I tried to listen to Tasha and Nicki again- but I felt a sense of betrayal. Tasha and Nicki brought me the words of God’s plan for me in 2018 and I have been running with it. But the month of April made every word seem like a lie. And something about me, once my trust is broken, it’s hard to trust again. Especially when I believed you absolutely.
I believed God absolutely. And I felt like he lied. And I felt betrayed. And I broke up with him. But now I miss him. Because even though he broke me, he is still the only one that can mend me. So i have been longing again for our intimacy but I have not been able to connect.
So yesterday and today, I heard this in my spirit: Flirt with me again.
Dear God, I acknowledge the echo of your voice tonight, confirming what you already told me. Even though I can’t hear you now, I am comforted to hear the echos of you.
I still miss the sound of you. I want to hear again the inflections in your voice, and the balm of your words. Help me hear you.
I am in a season of silence. And it’s a very lonely place. I terribly miss the sound of God. I miss the knowing presence of the spirit. I miss the camaraderie of our relationship. I miss not having someone to bounce my ideas off of. I miss not being able to debate cultural and religious affairs with Abba. I miss not having insider information that the cute girl across the room is safe to approach for a destiny driven interaction.
Yet the surreal thing about this silence is that it seems to be man made. I sense that it is not God who is silent but it is me who has become hard of hearing. I assume this is coming from my broken and bitter experience from last month and I haven’t fully healed.
The one thing I am sure of right now is that I desperately miss and long for the intimacy with God I used to enjoy. And am struggling to restore it. I try to remember his past words to me, I try to find patterns in the bible’s narrative of his interactions with my predecessors of faith. But most importantly, my heart longs for him, in a dry and thirsty land…
Dear God, in the words of robin thicke, I’m lost without you, can’t help myself…