I have a bunch of titles in my head for this post; titles like “daddy long legs”, “the silence of God”, ‘the litmus test”, “the true test of love”, “walking on the water” etc. but I will settle for this one, even though every one of the other titles could very well epitomize the days of my life.
Jaycee did a beautiful letter from God to us on his pride in us for having stayed with the program all the way from January till December. I believe that letter shows the father’s heart towards us, and I was richly blessed by it. But if I were to write God a letter about my life in 2007, I wouldn’t have as much pride in myself as he has in me.
Without doubt, this year for me has been one of “walking with the father”. I would like to say that taking a walk with God is a wonderful experience, because it is, but I cannot truthfully and willingly say that for this year. Because father has long legs and took long strides, and I was trying to catch up every step of the way, and more than a dozen times I wanted to just stop walking. But father wasn’t being cruel; he just didn’t want me to miss the train. He wanted to make sure I was right on time for the train, but as far as I was concerned the train was too far away, the distance was too long, and the view here was good anyway. If the options were left to me, I would not hesitate to rewrite the script of my life in 2007. I cringe at typing that because it implies that I feel like I am smarter than God, but more correctly, it indicates how unwilling to leave my comfort zone I have become.
I believe Jaycee’s letter that God is proud of me. In spite of myself. I know I have a long way still to go, but I also have come a long way already.
Avalon did a song about Gods dreams for us being bigger than the dreams we have for ourselves. All I ever dreamed of was being a great world renowned computer programmer with the best conveniences of life and be able to take care of my mother for all that she had done for me. That was good and big enough for me. Only all of that changed when I learnt how to listen to God. Little did I know that the intimacy and relationship I was building with him was setting me up for responsibility – the responsibility of being a soldier, in the good fight of faith.
I don’t like being a soldier. I don’t want to be a soldier. And every day I wish I could defect. But where do you run to get away from God? Boot camp is bad enough; the frontlines is not something I even want to think about, and yet daily he trains my hands for war and teaches my fingers to fight.
When I started writing down the stuff God said to me, I thought it was pretty cool and was proud of me. Now those words, I realize, were prophecies directing the path of my life. Now I understand what scripture means that the lord orders the steps of the righteous. The last place I had in mind to work was in church. Even though I am doing the very thing I love to do, I never thought I would be doing it as a church staff. The first few months were novel, and then came the dawn of reality. And I knew that this was no demilitarized zone.
I wonder why God picked me. I am learning that I do not really love God as much as I thought and wished I did. I am learning that loving God is costly. I want to be able to love God from a distance; you know, the whole romance thing, but like ashe.selah’s test of love, I realize that there’s much more to love than romance.
More than a dozen times I told God he made the wrong choice. I mean, I had so much to lose. Why me? And if he wanted me so bad why didn’t he give my mother other kids so that while am far away from home working in church, she would have the comfort of her other kids? Why didn’t he make her so wealthy that even though I make less than minimum wage of my career’s worth and hardly get to help her financially, she would be able to live a decent comfortable life? I mean if I had to go against common sense and all of my friends and family advise, why couldn’t the little details be taken care of? Why does God have to take the only thing first?
But I guess then it wouldn’t be a sacrifice, would it? Only no one told me choosing God would mean denying me. I never realized that living is a result of first dying. I am uncomfortable with the plans God has for me. I feel inadequate and unqualified for it. I feel uninterested and unbothered to pursue it. I don’t want to catch the train. I just want to sit here in the sand and play. I don’t want to grow up, because growing up stretches and hurts. Being a baby is bliss; growing up is gruesome. But I guess I do not have that luxury. What makes it so hard also is the fact that am not the only one in the equation – my mom is in too, and I love her too much to see her continue to stay just above water. I think this and immediately a counter thought shoots at my mind: how much did God love Jacob to leave him mourn and grieve 13years over Joseph without even a whisper of comfort, until the very day Joseph sends for him?
This year has been a year of shedding for me. I have shed flesh in sensitive places. I have been exposed to cruel elements that have eaten mercilessly at my raw skin. I feel like every nerve in me is exposed and bleeding. I totally understand what scripture meant when it described Jesus as sweating blood. I know Gethsemane. And I want out.
Yet the father doesn’t let go. He holds on tightly to my hands. He pulls me along. He drags me sometimes. He carries me to. But he lets me walk most of the way because he knows my legs must be made strong. He knows I would have to stand on water soon, and I must have the firmness of feet to not sink. I must know the principles of walking on water. I must know how to hear in the silence. I must recognize the colors of love.
I feel myself evolving. I look in the mirror and I do not recognize who I have become. I feel the scars all over me. I look and see a firmness that was not there before. Yet at the same time I see the child that must become a man. It is like a split personality – the one struggling against the other.
Walking with the father takes you from a place of familiarity to a place of faith; a place of certainty to a place of trust; a place of security to a place of vulnerability; a place of romance to a place of real love; a place of passion to a place of purpose; a place of beginnings to a place of finishing’s – and the only way to keep walking is to keep holding on.