In Green Pastures

in my office, my desk is by a window overlooking a field of green grass where my collegues take their dogs for a walk during lunch hour. a few weeks ago, as i walked past the green grass, i felt the impression of god that the green grass was a symbol of my current season of faith – that god had positioned me in green pastures.

in exactly 15 mins, i will turn 39 and it is amazing for me to realize that i will soon be leaving my 30s behind. where did my 20s go? just 10 years ago, i was 29, and that year was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. it was the year i quit my job as a church staff and began a new unimagined career in international development. in the space of a few months, god had moved me from an underpaid, homeless church staff to an entry level international development professional where my first salary was more than i had made in my last 5 years as a church staff. since 2010, i have seen god reward me in ways i never imagined, and i cannot help but think that the past decade was a harvest for gving god the first 5 years of my professional life.

as i stand on the edge of a new year, i tremble with expectation and fear. because of what god has shown me. for the first time ever in my relationship with god, he has given me a 10 year prophecy for my family; 2019 to 2029. i know god’s big picture for my life and while that should give me comfort, i found myself in the last couple of months filled with anxiety about how the prophecy would be fulfilled, and what i must do to ensure that i do not wreck god’s plan. as if i could.

in the midst of my anxiety, the spirit has been trying to teach me about contentment but i have found myself struggling with this. living from a place of contentment with gods timing and pace for my life feels irresponsible to me because i like to know the details and have a plan for how things should play out. a friend of mine pointed out how that translates to me not trusting god, and in reflection i feel like i need to help god keep his word.

as the clock counts down to feb 28, i am worshipping and the holy spirit has reminded me that i am in green pastures. god said, you are missing out on the journey i am taking you through becuase you are too focused on the destination. i pray that as i become 39, i will learn to enjoy gods presence more than i agonise about helping him keep his word. god has been good to me, and he ha demonstrated a faihfulness to every word that he has spoken to me over the past 10 years. why do i fear that the next 10 years would be too hard for him?

i have seen more than i imagined i would see god do for me. there are still promises that i am waiting on him for, but it is clear that he has been guiding my path to an expected end. i can trust him. he has demostrated a good track record of being "alewi lese, alese, lewi"

so happy birthday to me, and here is to my god, who is the i am that i am.

The Dilemma of Care Giving for Aged Parents

dear god, i had a whatsapp video call with my mother yesterday, and now my worry mode is activated. knowing my mother’s health is so unstable that she has to cancel two already purchased trip tickets has me really concerned about how to care for her in the coming years. next month she turns 70, and living so far away from me, with no close family members to care for her, makes me very very anxious.

i am tired of having the constant debate with her about how to care for her in the future. she refuses to acknowledge that she is increasingly becoming less self sufficent and will need to depend on others for her daily care. she refuses to agree to move to a different city where she can be in closer proximity to my wife’s family. and unfortunately i am not yet in a position to have her move in with me. this is one of those moments where i am pissed off about being an only child. and unfortunately care homes are still anti-culture in nigeria.

i don’t know what to do lord. i don’t know how to fix this or stop it from crowding my thoughts with worry. i am trying to live in contentment as you have instructed, but this matter, this one crucial decision is paralysing my faith. show me what to do lord.

A Walk in the Garden

It continues to amaze me how god randomly confirms his spoken word through everyday occurrences. yesterday, i was venting with an old friend over whatsapp chat about how i felt a little bored with my current season even though it is the good kind of boredom because i am presently living a dream life. but i still feel a restlessness despite being fulfilled. i feel like god has me walking around in a garden, just having fun. so this morning, i was doing my blog rounds and one of the faith bloggers i follow shared what god told her about strolling with god. the moment i saw it, i felt like it was a confirmation of what god wanted me to know.

when i think about it, i feel like i understand a little of what god is doing. remember what the psalmist says? he leads me beside still waters, he makes me lie down in green pastures. and also when he said, when the lord turned around our captivity we were like them that dream. walking with god, in a zen like state, is what the peace of god is meant to feel like. god is doing a work in the lives of his children that is meant to bring them to a replica of the garden of eden. a place where god provided for adam, and all adam had to need was wander around lesiurely, while tending to the garden.

i guess it makes sense that a life of toil and labor is actually the result of being seperated from god. and even though society has conditioned us to believe that prosperity must be earned through intense labor, god is trying to recondition my mind to understand that elevation is an effortless rising to the stars.

i hope that i can learn to accept this leisurely walk with god through the garden, and be content with his will and timing for my life.

12 Months A Dream

Today is exactly 12 months since God opened the door for me to become an expat. This post is a memorial for me that “Alewi, lese, Alese, lewi” – the Yoruba expression for a God who is able to fulfill his words, and brag about his track record.

looking back over the last 12 months, one thing is certain, holding onto Gods’s word, even if everything around us threatens our confidence in what we believe, is not a futile effort.  around this time last year, I was in a place in my faith that made me question the existence of god. having resigned from my job, because I was waiting for my visa to relocate to the UK, it was a huge shock to receive a denial to my application. I wondered what would happen to me now; my job offer was based on me relocating to the UK and I had practically ended my life in Nigeria. But now I understand that nothing takes god by surprise, and he always makes a way of escape. despite the denied visa, my company was willing to try again, and even willing to engage me as a remote staff until my visa application came through. and so, on this day last year, i began full time work as an international skilled professional.

sometimes, living by faith is a very exhausting experience. but one thing i have learned is that god does not leave us comfortless. there is always a backstory he gives us to remind us that “ALL THINGS” will work together for our own good. in the past 12 months, god has exposed me to a life i never imagined, i have learned to unlearn and to grow beyond my comfort zone. it has been a stretching period that was both exciting and scary at the same time.

but i am confident that it is also just the beginning. for the first time ever in my walk of faith, god has told me about the next 10 years. I have jotted down annual prophecies for my family from 2019 up to 2029. it has been humbling to recognize that i have come to a place in my faith where god is able to reveal the distant future to me. and it has also put me in a place to question how much i really trust in god.

despite having a god-announced 10 year plan, i still tremble at the thought of how it will all play out. i still struggle to internalize the fact that “Alewi lese”, and that it is not up to me to fulfill the prophecies. knowing how the story ends is meant to keep me confident of god’s plan for my future. but also remembering how the story has played out is meant to keep me content with god’s cadence for my present.

so cheers to a 10 year hope-filled future, because of the evidence of 12 months a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

Contentment

I am struggling to be content with God’s will and timing in my life. And this makes me feel ungrateful because for the first time since I began hearing god’s annual instruction, he has given me a 10 year prophecy for my life. So basically, i know how my story ends in the next 10 years. Shouldn’t this give me a confidence and lightness of my mind? Yet i find myself, typically, agonising over how the prophecy will be fulfilled. Constant internal conversations about what i must do, how i must be, where i must be, who i must connect with, what i must learn, what i must start or end, to make sure that the prophecy is fulfilled.

i know this sounds like i am trying to take on the role of god in my life. and maybe that is some proof that i am not really a man of faith as i believe. i want to see the details before trusting that god is able to do what he has said. i want to feel like i am in control, and can determine the events and outcomes that will place me in the fulfilment of what god has spoken over my life.

in the midst of my struggles, i hear the faint voice of the spirit impressing on me the need to be content. in the past 12 months i have been living a life i would never have imagined for myself. yet all through this time, i have been too future-focused to even appreciate and enjoy the season of life that i have been brought to.

i sense that god is asking me to focus on contentment, to be content with what and where he has positioned me. to live in the moment, and to stop agonizing about tomorrow. i sense that god is asking me to depend on his daily instruction rather than a programmed schedule. i hope that i can do this.