“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?…Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?” said God(Job 38:2; 40:2)
I, fear that
faith is shipwrecked, and
God is absent, and
sin is reigning, and
I, without words
i choose to exhale.
i wanted to curl up in a corner and die. i have a good friend with a mouth on her. the moment she saw me, she asked if i was sick. she read me very well, and cracked down hard on me. covered wounds fester but open wounds heal, she said. dust yourself and move on. i walked out on her. how am i supposed to move on when my heart is in a million pieces?
i accepted the “honest blogger” award because i have poured out my heart on the pages of this web spot, unfiltered and uncensored. i have blogged without a mask. but now i understand the reason for anonymity and reserve. i would like to take down this blog or something, but i realize the reason i blog is because i like to write. it is my window thrown open for fresh air. it is where i can axe my tree stump. it is where i can stand naked and unashamed. it is my therapy moment. so i will not throw it away. i will open my wound and let in some air. i may blog on auto-pilot for a while, but i will not stop writing.
i shed a few tears tonight, but i refuse to drown in my tears. i also asked God for help so am coming out with my pain. i tried to get busy so i could ignore reality. i even went down the slippery slope of “appearance of evil”. and i planned to be bitter and vengeful and unloving.
i cannot just walk away like nothing happened because i loved with all my flaws and flairs. i may still wince every time i hear her name because am still hurting. i may still snap out at somebody and anybody because i am still angry. i may occasionally play back tonight’s phone call where i pulled out a white flag and came up short. but i choose to exhale. i choose to inhale. and i will leave my Kirk Franklin’s Fight of my Life album on repeat.
i choose to live again. breath by breath.
Kafo nominated me for the Honest Blogger Award. I accept. Thank you. Forgive me though if i break all the rules. Approximately 2 hours ago, my world stop.
i am scared of sending this text cos i dnt know how u feel abt me anymore, n i dnt enjoy looking like a fool. but 4 wat its worth, i miss d way we used 2 b, i miss d moments we shared, i miss being a part of ur life, i miss sharing my tots wit u, i miss talking about us. this distance btw us hurts so bad cos i love u so much. but i am tired of fighting 4 someone who wont fight for me. i need you novia but you must need me too.
ayo ayo ayo. i wish i understand things myself.and wish i could explain it to you. cant we at least be friends, u know talk?
i called her back immediately. we had a strong argument. and the call ended with the words that stopped my world.
Ayo: You are supposed to be my girlfriend and you are asking me to be just friends? what am i supposed to think?
Novia: am supposed to be your girlfriend? ok fine, i dont want to be anymore. bye.
the phone clicked.a few seconds later a text message came in from Novia.
ayo u know u can be quite annoying? i didnt want dis to happen, dats y i wanted us to be better friends.
there has been 2 missed calls from her best friend and 2 missed calls from her. but i am not picking any calls for a while.
you all have shared a front seat view into my life. i thank you. and i nominate everyone who has been on my cheer team. i have got this far because of you all. but now, i must lie low for as long as it takes. i ask you to pray for me. because i am toying with the thought of never falling in love again or using and abusing every woman from now on.