Month: October 2008

Breath by breath

i choose to exhale.

i wanted to curl up in a corner and die. i have a good friend with a mouth on her. the moment she saw me, she asked if i was sick. she read me very well, and cracked down hard on me. covered wounds fester but open wounds heal, she said. dust yourself and move on. i walked out on her. how am i supposed to move on when my heart is in a million pieces?

i accepted the “honest blogger” award because i have poured out my heart on the pages of this web spot, unfiltered and uncensored. i have blogged without a mask. but now i understand the reason for anonymity and reserve. i would like to take down this blog or something, but i realize the reason i blog is because i like to write. it is my window thrown open for fresh air. it is where i can axe my tree stump. it is where i can stand naked and unashamed. it is my therapy moment. so i will not throw it away. i will open my wound and let in some air. i may blog on auto-pilot for a while, but i will not stop writing.

i shed a few tears tonight, but i refuse to drown in my tears. i also asked God for help so am coming out with my pain. i tried to get busy so i could ignore reality. i even went down the slippery slope of “appearance of evil”. and i planned to be bitter and vengeful and unloving.

i cannot just walk away like nothing happened because i loved with all my flaws and flairs. i may still wince every time i hear her name because am still hurting. i may still snap out at somebody and anybody because i am still angry. i may occasionally play back tonight’s phone call where i pulled out a white flag and came up short. but i choose to exhale. i choose to inhale. and i will leave my Kirk Franklin’s Fight of my Life album on repeat.

i choose to live again. breath by breath.

I am Honest

Kafo nominated me for the Honest Blogger Award. I accept. Thank you. Forgive me though if i break all the rules. Approximately 2 hours ago, my world stop.


Ayo’s SMS
i am scared of sending this text cos i dnt know how u feel abt me anymore, n i dnt enjoy looking like a fool. but 4 wat its worth, i miss d way we used 2 b, i miss d moments we shared, i miss being a part of ur life, i miss sharing my tots wit u, i miss talking about us. this distance btw us hurts so bad cos i love u so much. but i am tired of fighting 4 someone who wont fight for me. i need you novia but you must need me too.

Novia’s SMS
ayo ayo ayo. i wish i understand things myself.and wish i could explain it to you. cant we at least be friends, u know talk?

i called her back immediately. we had a strong argument. and the call ended with the words that stopped my world.

Ayo: You are supposed to be my girlfriend and you are asking me to be just friends? what am i supposed to think?

Novia: am supposed to be your girlfriend? ok fine, i dont want to be anymore. bye.

the phone clicked.a few seconds later a text message came in from Novia.

ayo u know u can be quite annoying? i didnt want dis to happen, dats y i wanted us to be better friends.

there has been 2 missed calls from her best friend and 2 missed calls from her. but i am not picking any calls for a while.

you all have shared a front seat view into my life. i thank you. and i nominate everyone who has been on my cheer team. i have got this far because of you all. but now, i must lie low for as long as it takes. i ask you to pray for me. because i am toying with the thought of never falling in love again or using and abusing every woman from now on.