Abba Father…It’s My Birthday

11:17 PM 2/27/2007

Abba Father,
The clock is ticking, and in a little over 30 minutes i will be a year older. 26 to be precise. Father, where have the years gone? what has happened to my youth? i should be happy, father, but i am sad. i am grateful for your mercies through the years, but i am full of questions. i don’t know like i used to know. i don’t feel the fire i used to feel. i am in a place i do not understand. i am a mixture of emotions i cannot tag.

i had dreams father; i had passion. but somewhere along the line, i have lost them. strangely, i blame you. i do not know what i feel for you father. somedays i love you; other days i don’t understand you. i am struggling to write you this letter, even though i have a thousand and one things i want to say to you. but i cannot find the words. how can i explain the emptiness i feel on the inside? how can i explain the ignorance i have grown up with? how do i make you see the conflict that is become my life presently? i blame you because you have put giant-sized dreams in my heart, and yet placed me in a constricted environment.

i love my mom, and i miss my dad. they had limited education, but they sacrifised so much for me to have more. yet i wonder if indeed i got more. in trying to protect me, i was sheltered from the world, isolated from people. i grew up with mommy and daddy as my world. i grew up with books and movies as my friends. i probably should have learnt a lot from them, but i was naturally selective. and i selected the wrong materials. i read the wrong books, and watched the wrong films. well, not exactly wrong; just not the necessary materials. now, i am good in creativity, but zero in reality.

father, it didn’t matter then. mommy and daddy were always there to make decisions for me, push buttons for me. i didn’t have to live for me. but now, it is different. daddy is gone, and mommy is looking to me, and i am in a cold, cruel world. i do not have the smarts to deal with this world. it is not enought that i am intelligent. living in the real world goes beyond classroom smarts. father, i am ignorant. about so many things. i do not have legal documents to prove my birth. i do not have a drivers license, a passport or a bank account. i do not know anything about politics or management or fixing stuff. take away my computer, take away my pen and paper, and i am nothing. lord, i used to think i would be the youngest best selling writer. i used to think i would make a great actor. i used to think i would beat bill gates, and have even more money. that is all in the past now lord. i think it is all a fantasy.

now i find myself in ministry. you have so much faith in me father. you think i am all that. you think i can really be a splendour of your glory. i think you made a mistake. i think you are trying to bring out a toughness in me that don’t exist. i think i would have liked you to ask my opinion before you started me out on your program. i understand that you have good plans for me, and are looking to bag me a great future. but this path is so so precarious. i remember your words of assurance – now, but in the heat of the moment, i seem to forget.

i am scared lord. i am 26 and i am afraid. i am 26 and i am holding back tears. i am 26 and i feel like i was born yesterday. i am making 300grand per annum where my mates are making something in the region of 1.2million per annum. i used to think the difference was because i am in ministry. but i see now that folks who came in on the same level with me were no longer my contemporaries. i was working hard and learning new technologies. they were working hard at making money and getting things done in the company. they got bonuses and promotions. i got my salary.

i wonder, lord. i wonder if i have not made a mistake. i wonder if i have not become too spiritual that i am now earthly inefficent. i loook at the prophecies you have given me. and i wonder if i have not relied on faith without learning the facts.

abba father, i am 26 and i am disappointed in me. i have not achieved what i planned to achieve. i do not know how to achieve what i plan to achieve. i want to relive my life, as a different person. i want to make new decisions, and have new education. i find myself at a crossroads between faith and common sense. should i just trust you to make me a success? or should i work hard at becoming a success? should i trust you to open doors for me, or should i attempt to pick up the necessary qualifications? should i apply for a better paying job or should i trust you to bless me in ministry? should i take what i get, or should i negotiate a better deal? where do i draw the line between what i believe and what i must do?

i have blessings to count lord; i know that. i also know that my life presently isn’t the best it can be. is it me or is it you? am i waiting on you, or are you waiting on me? should i not be wiser at 26? yet i have so many more questions. i have never had a girfriend. i console myself with the thought that you are preparing one for me. but maybe i am too immature to handle a relationship? i cringe everytime someone confronts me over something; how then can i defend a woman in my life? why do you want me to be strong lord, when you have let me be so weak? why do youu want to show me off to the world lord, when i am in darkness about so many things?

abba father, scripture says you have the manuscript for the days of our lives. where does it end lord? where does my naivety stop? when do i get street smarts? today i am 26, and the days of my life are a big question mark. i used to make love with you lord; now i just go through the motions. what happened lord? is this a night season, or did i drift away somewhere? am i like joseph wandering in the field according to your plan, or am i like jonah going in the opposite direction against your plan?

it’s my birthday today lord, and i have to wear a smile and act like am happy. i cannot tell all of this to anyone. they wouldn’t understand. some will want to beat me over the head for feeling sorry for myself when i got a better deal than most other people. i know. but i also know that i can be better. i am grateful for where i am, lord, i just feel like i should be more in control, more aware of the direction of my life. it feels like i am walking with a blindfold, lord, and what hurts most about that is that i feel it’s my own fault. why am i so reserved?

Its Feb 28 now. Angela just called me a few minutes ago and said a beautiful prayer for me. something she said struck. she said God made me uniquely me, and she only prays for my improvement but that i should still stay me. I guess that is my birthday wish, lord. maybe i don’t so much dislike who i am. maybe all i need to do is just work harder and filling in the gaps in my life.

anyways, father, i have vented. i have gotten it all off my chest. pastor chris said in this year 2007, the joy of the lord will be our strength. each day i wonder where i will get the strength to face the day. i guess i know the answer now. i choose joy, father. in spite of all the changes i would love to see in my life, father i choose joy. and i choose you. i think my life would have been better if i had a more outgoing personality. but there must be a reason you are God and i am not. so father, i choose to trust you. i don’t know how i will be able to take on all the giants that are showing up daily in my life, but father i will trust you to back up my simple sling and stone. so maybe i am not as sophisticated as i would like to be. david wasn’t either. but he got the victory.

abba father, some days are hard. but i will keep holding onto your hand. somedays i dark, but i will keep listening in for your whisper. and whenever i feel like i do not fit in, i will shout out loud that i am “accepted in the beloved”.

thank you father for another year. thank you because you got my back through it all. trusting you each day is a lot harder for me now, but still not trusting is even harder. the words are heavy for me right now, but i cannot help it anyway: i love you lord, and i am honored to be your child.

cast down, but not destroyed.

PS: pea, if you read this somehow i feel you might be able to speak God’s heart for me in response to this letter. 

Advertisements

While I Wasn’t Blogging

it is good to be back on blog world. it’s funny how sometimes the things that we are reluctant to pick up soon become the things thats we are hooked on. i vividly remember how i was hesistant when paula and esteri tried to get me blogging, not because i did not like the idea but simply because i was unfamiliar with it. i am like that. i like what i am used to, familiar territory. i am slowly coming to realize this is not a very healthy attitude, because it limits my options, and i am working on fixing that.

i made a new girlfriend in the office. she’s a new staff that has just joined, and we have made an amazing bond in such a short time. little somder God created the woman as man’s support team. working with a beautiful woman on your team sure goes a long way to make even a most mundane job feel like heaven. i would love to say more about my new found affair, but i suspect my colleagues are now aware that i keep a blog.

we had a two day National Program called Youth Conference with Pastor Chris. It was a huge success with the Main Bowl of the National Stadium, Lagos being packed out with youths from all over the country. Being on the organising team of a program of this magnitude is no piece of cake. I worked with my boss on the live transmission of the program on national TV. We had some technical hitches with our point to point transmission, and ended up transmitting the program one hour behind. On the second day, with no paticular responsiblity for me, i decided to join the congregation and experiecne the event as well. There is a huge difference between attending and event and organising one. Sometime towards the end of the conference, i noticed this really nice looking lady in the row before mine. she had natural hair, really small ear rings that made revive my desire to get myself a piercing(i don’t want to think of the ruckus that would raise up amongst some people. but really, would i be less if a christian if i had a piercing and wore an ear ring? somebody talk to me on this one). anyways, i knew i had to make contact with this girl. but how do you walk up to a totally strange girl and ask her number? okay, so maybe its easy for a lot of you folks, but for someone like me that’s like an herculian task. I can be painfully shy and timid – i wonder if that is why i am one of the really few persons who finished university without a real girlfriend.

since i discovered tyler perry, i have developed a new passion for movies, and iinstantly recalled the scene from “Madea’s Family Reunion” where the bus driver wrote down his number and handed it to Vanessa to call her if she wanted to go out with him. i think that’s a genius way to let a lady know you like her and save yourself the taruma of a rejection. well, a girlfriend of mine i spoke with last night told me she wouldn’t call a guy who approached that way. i hope this cute stranger girl isn’t made of the same stock. I still jump everytime my phone rings.

Tomorrow i will be 26. I have a lot to say about that. But i think this entry has gotten long enough.

I Said, God Said

I said: I didn’t ask for this

God said: I know; I chose you.

I said: Now my life is a conflict.

God said: I am aware of that fact.

I said: sometimes, I am sure you picked the wrong guy. I mean take a look at me – wrong background, wrong qualification, wrong abilities, wrong maturity – I think this task is way over my head, and I’m no sure I am cut out for it.

God said: I totally agree son. It is way over your head, and you are right about being so wrong for the job. That’s exactly why I chose you.

I said: I do not understand that Father

God said: You know what Paul said about being strong when he is weak? Spotlights on you now son. Same thing I told Paul, I am telling you. My strength is perfected in your weakness. See, I don’t need you to be right for the job. I don’t need you to be a perfect ten. If you were, you wouldn’t need me. But the reason you are s wrong for this task is because you need me. I am your trump card. It’s not about what you can bring to play; it’s about what I an bring to play.

I said: But everyone is looking up to me; everyone is expecting me to deliver; to get the job done.

God said: But you look up to me; you expect me to deliver, to get the job done.

I said: I know I should, but some days are just so full of pressure that I forget about you.

God said: Knowing where it hurts is the first step to healing.

I said: Some days I just want to throw towel and run.

God said: I know the feeling son; I have been there.

I said: That’s not always comforting.

God said: No, I guess not; that’s why I had to look past the pain to the joy that was set before me. Sometimes, company doesn’t always do the trick; it’s the conquest that helps us take that next step.

I said: You told me things would be great. You said the lines are dropping in the right places for me. You said this was a great deal.

God said: I said so because it is so.

I said: Take a look around God; everything is so not what you promised. I am practically at the bottom rung here.

God said: The bottom is always a good place to start.

I said: That’s not even funny God; not when I have to make a living. Not when my family is waiting on me; not when my mates are making so much more that I can also make.

God said: I called you; not them. I never work with crowds. A one man cast works for me.

I said: This man is his family’s best asset.

God said: You seem to be forgetting something – you are just a man – translated you are limited.

I said: They don’t remember that. Besides it is my responsibility, isn’t it?

God said: You are my responsibility.

I said: They don’t think I have a real job.

God said: Welcome to the club; a lot of people don’t think I exist.

I said: It was easy when I was the bad guy; now my family is the bad guy. It’s a lot harder to fight family.

God said: It’s impossible to fight me.

I said: So now it’s you or them?

God said: I didn’t have any options about you.

I said: I guess that’s why you are God.

God said: I guess you should listen to yourself say that again.

I said: You really are God.

God said: I am

I said: And you hold all the cards.

God said: I do, but it is still your choice to play.

I said: The rules are just so hard.

God said: That’s the reason for the spirit in your heart, and the word in your mouth.

I said: Why me?

God said: Because you beat the rest of the competition.

I said: I don’t think I can make it

God said: I never make a bad investment

I said: How long?

God said: Until you become the champ. 

The Inside Man

Recently I have been wondering if God had forgot the plans he shared with me concerning my life. You see, when I fell in love with computers my big dream was to beat bill gates; to reinvent the concept of computing and set the standards. I haven’t given up on that dream yet. But I always thought the way I would get there was to think smarter, work harder and pray more. That was until I began my romance with God’s Spirit and I realized that he had a completely different modus operandi. See, his vision for my life was still in line with reinventing and setting the standards in the computer industry. But he wanted to take me out of the little leagues; his plan was for me to play in the big leagues – in Ministry.

Now I know better. Even though, working in ministry means starting off small, I have come to develop a mindset that the spiritual indeed births the physical. So whatever progress is made in the physical world is progress that has been made in the spiritual world. Yeah, so sue me, if it sounds like a consolation line. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s more.

Anyways, so that’s how come I graduated university and began full time professional programming for my ministry. Of course there had to be an incentive for me to pass up on all the attractive offers of working for a professional software company, and God gave me all of the details of how he was going to do me good, you know, kind of like the line he dropped for old Abe in Genesis 12.

So here I am beginning my second year, and things are just the opposite of what God promised me, and some days am like just going through the motion and dealing with the billion dollar question “To Stay or Run?” And yes I do remember the story of Jonah and how impossible it is to get away from God, but hey, sometimes running away seems like the easiest option especially when the pressure hits.

Even as my head is busy trying to analyze things, my spirit is calmly and confidently whispering “Did God ever flunk yet?” and he deftly guides me to a portion of the scripture, Esther 2v5, and one of those conscious-unconscious revelation processes begin. I guess this is what Jesus meant when he said “…and He shall guide you into all truth” John16v13.

So I read the story, after a little background scan and the Spirit starts talking. See in the story of Esther, I realized that God was a pre-planner. He had already put plans in motion, years earlier, I think about nine, to counter-act the enemy’s attack. And one of those plans was planting an Inside Man – Mordecai. The enemy was planning to do a Hitler stunt on the people of God, so God went back in time and planted Mordecai, then staged a coup that overthrew the queen Vasthi, influenced the actions of some government authorities to pass into law a certain bill, which would ensure a certain Esther would be voted into Office of the Queen. How would a simple teenage girl with the wrong background and qualification ever be able to get such a prestigious position? How would she know the workings and protocols of the Palace life to be able to have an edge over the competition? Enter Mordecai, the Inside Man, planted years before. I am typing this in between office work and with so much excitement that I cannot take the time to fully pass across the details of this revelation and I pray that His Spirit will minister to you what he ministered to me.

Do I have to state the obvious? I am the Inside Man in my miistry. All of the props that God promised me are yet to come, but I must have been in place, learnt the ropes and just plain be around long enough to be able to grab that God-opportunity when he springs it. Then it wouldn’t matter if I had the wrong background or the wrong qualification; I would have become indispensable and the obvious candidate.

I wonder if that’s the reason I have had this unexplainable joy in the midst of my ponderings lately…