I must have pissed off the devil because he is hitting hard and fast.
I am not an anonymous blogger
for a simple reason
this is not just a blog
it is my ministry
but that fool has compromised the peace of a loved one
and i have learned a lesson
as much i want to be honest
it is no longer just about me
and i need to consider the effects of what i write on those involved
so am now going private on wordpress
i will be under the radar for a while
time will tell what happens next
***I will probably take off this post at any time.***
i dont know if i should publish this post. because as i write, i dont know if i will be getting married to T anymore. we had a disagreement and she says she does not want to marry me anymore. i have tried pleading, she says she will not change her mind.
am heart-broken as i write but i hope that someday T and i can look back at this post, and say “the lord has done great things for us”
love is not enough. for many years i believed in Hollywood’s fairy tale love story, actually since i was seven years old when i used to watch “The Wonder Years”. until my first heartbreak, then my second. and now i am not sure of my third relationship. i am one of those who believe that love is for keeps. i have never broken up with anyone because i believe it working it till it works. i believe that love requires considerable work, and that quitting is not supposed to be an option. unfortunately, the 2 girls i have dated in all my life didnt think so. and i can only pray that this will not be the story for T and i.
you see, the funny thing about this is the reason T says she wont marry me anymore, is because she believes i am too good for her, and she does not want to hurt me. well that is my interpretation. the facts are that she did something wrong for which in her words “i reacted impulsively showing that i am insecure and cannot forgive her.” but in my words i think “that she cant forgive herself and does not want to risk hurting me again.”
this is hard for me. i know T. she is the only woman that has loved me the way i have always wished to be love. and she has once told me that i am the only guy that ever loved her truly and sincerely. infact she says she still loves me and she knows i still love her. yet she will not change her mind about breaking up with me.
for T and i it was not love at first sight. in fact, during our initial interaction we both offended each other. and i formed the impression that she was overly sensitive and defensive, while she formed the opinion that i was careless with my words. but along the way, we became friends, and then lovers with intentions of getting married. we met each others parents, and our parents began to plan for the wedding day. even her mothers pastor confirmed that it is ok for us to be together. yet T says she will no longer marry me. and i have been unable to convince her to change her mind.
but i am not afraid, funny enough. i am in great pain, but i am not afraid which is much unlike me. i am what you could almost describe as “desperate for love”. because when i love, i love deeply and passionately and like i have said i do not believe that quitting is an option. i am convinced that there is abundant love between T and I, and i am convinced that there is a divine plan for us to be together. so inspite of my deep pain, i have this unexplainable calm in my spirit that this too shall pass. i am even ready to stop calling and texting her, so she can have some space, while i cast my cares on God. for some unexplainable reason, i believe that there is nothing more i can say or do because she is already convinced that i love her sincerely. so at this point, love is not enough. love has brought us together, but now only faith can keep us together. so i choose to stand back and hope and pray that god will show up on my behalf.
that is the easy part.
the hard part is that i want to hate her. i mean, how can you say that you love me and yet you cannot forgive me? oh, she says she has forgiven me, in fact she calls me up to check up on me (i wonder if she doesnt know how much that tortures me, but she is like that, too nice, she did that also to her ex boyfriend, kept calling him to check up on him even after we started dating…lol). so i wonder how she can be so stubborn and not want to change her mind. how could she forgive me for indiscretion, but cant forgive me for impulsive behavior? how can she dog me to accept her forgiveness for my indiscretion, but wont accept my forgiveness for her offense? why does she think that breaking up with me will hurt me less that staying with me? i want to despise her because she is making it hard for me to trust her. to love is to forgive, to forget, to believe, to endure, to try one more time, and to not quit.
whew! relationships are hard because it involves 2 people coming together from different backgrounds. even harder when those 2 people are seprated by distance. T and i spent only 2 months together before we were separated by distance. my new job took me out of town. and we struggled to grow our relationship through phone calls and text messages. that in itself was a bit challenge which almost split us up. then the temptations. T is well endowed and even when she takes a walk from home down the street to buy recharge card or provisions, she would return and tell me about one or two guys who had asked for her phone number. and i have had my moment of indiscretion too.
but we have survived all this. now what threatens to separate us is the simple difference in perspective. T said in one of her mails “you dont have to fight for what is yours.” i believe sometimes you do. i always tell her that she is too good for her own good, and people will take advantage of her. she tells me that there are better ways to address an issue than confrontation. i believe we should have a mentor for our relationship. she believes we have the holy spirit to teach us all things. she will rather postpone an issue than discuss it immediately, i would rather discuss it immediately than be troubled because of it.
love is not enough. you need understanding. communication. patience. friendship. compromise. but most importantly you need faith. T and i have both worked on all these. so now, i have to let faith work for us. she does not like me to continually say am sorry. so i wont anymore. all i can do now is wait and pray. i cannot change her mind. but God can. she asked me to apologize to my mom. but i wont. instead i will cast my care on God.
PS: A few minutes after i typed up this post as draft, not sure if i would ever publish it. i got this email from T. Please advise me cheerleaders: