Month: January 2011

Compromised

I am not an anonymous blogger
for a simple reason
this is not just a blog
it is my ministry
but that fool has compromised the peace of a loved one
and i have learned a lesson
as much i want to be honest
it is no longer just about me
and i need to consider the effects of what i write on those involved
so am now going private on wordpress
i will be under the radar for a while
time will tell what happens next

Love Is Not Enough

***I will probably take off this post at any time.***

i dont know if i should publish this post. because as i write, i dont know if i will be getting married to T anymore. we had a disagreement and she says she does not want to marry me anymore. i have tried pleading, she says she will not change her mind.

am heart-broken as i write but i hope that someday T and i can look back at this post, and say “the lord has done great things for us”

love is not enough. for many years i believed in Hollywood’s fairy tale love story, actually since i was seven years old when i used to watch “The Wonder Years”.  until my first heartbreak, then my second. and now i am not sure of my third relationship. i am one of those who believe that love is for keeps. i have never broken up with anyone because i believe it working it till it works. i believe that love requires considerable work, and that quitting is not supposed to be an option. unfortunately, the 2 girls i have dated in all my life didnt think so. and i can only pray that this will not be the story for T and i.

you see, the funny thing about this is the reason T says she wont marry me anymore, is because she believes i am too good for her, and she does not want to hurt me. well that is my interpretation. the facts are that she did something wrong for which in her words “i reacted impulsively showing that i am insecure and cannot forgive her.” but in my words i think “that she cant forgive herself and does not want to risk hurting me again.”

this is hard for me. i know T. she is the only woman that has loved me the way i have always wished to be love. and she has once told me that i am the only guy that ever loved her truly and sincerely. infact she says she still loves me and she knows i still love her. yet she will not change her mind about breaking up with me.

for T and i it was not love at first sight. in fact, during our initial interaction we both offended each other. and i formed the impression that she was overly sensitive and defensive, while she formed the opinion that i was careless with my words. but along the way, we became friends, and then lovers with intentions of getting married. we met each others parents, and our parents began to plan for the wedding day. even her mothers pastor confirmed that it is ok for us to be together. yet T says she will no longer marry me. and i have been unable to convince her to change her mind.

but i am not afraid, funny enough. i am in great pain, but i am not afraid which is much unlike me. i am what you could almost describe as “desperate for love”. because when i love, i love deeply and passionately and like i have said i do not believe that quitting is an option. i am convinced that there is abundant love between T and I, and i am convinced that there is a divine plan for us to be together. so inspite of my deep pain, i have this unexplainable calm in my spirit that this too shall pass. i am even ready to stop calling and texting her, so she can have some space, while i cast my cares on God. for some unexplainable reason, i believe that there is nothing more i can say or do because she is already convinced that i love her sincerely. so at this point, love is not enough. love has brought us together, but now only faith can keep us together. so i choose to stand back and hope and pray that god will show up on my behalf.

that is the easy part.

the hard part is that i want to hate her. i mean, how can you say that you love me and yet you cannot forgive me? oh, she says she has forgiven me, in fact she calls me up to check up on me (i wonder if she doesnt know how much that tortures me, but she is like that, too nice, she did that also to her ex boyfriend, kept calling him to check up on him even after we started dating…lol). so i wonder how she can be so stubborn and not want to change her mind. how could she forgive me for indiscretion, but cant forgive me for impulsive behavior? how can she dog me to accept her forgiveness for  my indiscretion, but wont accept my forgiveness for her offense? why does she think that breaking up with me will hurt me less that staying with me? i want to despise her because she is making it hard for me to trust her. to love is to forgive, to forget, to believe, to endure, to try one more time, and to not quit.

whew! relationships are hard because it involves 2 people coming together from different backgrounds. even harder when those 2 people are seprated by distance. T and i spent only 2 months together before we were separated by distance. my new job took me out of town. and we struggled to grow our relationship through phone calls and text messages.  that in itself was a bit challenge which almost split us up. then the temptations. T is well endowed and even when she takes a walk from home down the street to buy recharge card or provisions, she would return and tell me about one or two guys who had asked for her phone number. and i have had my moment of indiscretion too.

but we have survived all this. now what threatens to separate us is the simple difference in perspective. T said in one of her mails “you dont have to fight for what is yours.” i believe sometimes you do. i always tell her that she is too good for her own good, and people will take advantage of her. she tells me that there are better ways to address an issue than confrontation. i believe we should have a mentor for our relationship. she believes we have the holy spirit to teach us all things. she will rather postpone an issue than discuss it immediately, i would rather discuss it immediately than be troubled because of it.

love is not enough. you need understanding. communication. patience. friendship. compromise. but most importantly you need faith. T and i have both worked on all these. so now, i have to let faith work for us. she does not like me to  continually say am sorry. so i wont anymore. all i can do now is wait and pray. i cannot change her mind. but God can. she asked me to apologize to my mom. but i wont. instead i will cast my care on God.

PS: A few minutes after i typed up this post as draft, not sure if i would ever publish it. i got this email from T. Please advise me cheerleaders:

You love me so much ayo but:
you couldn’t care less what i think
you claim your money is for both of us but you make decisions without considering me or caring about what i think
you continue to take xxxxx call even when she calls to insult you
you refused to cut off contact with xxxx even after we agreed and you promised you would
you sent xxx a nasty message after we agreed there was no reason to( i mean we even spoke that morning)
you blame everything you do on being an only child
you hang out with only ladies and when i complain you continue to argue you only flow with ladies
you make rash decisions you regret later
I know for all this you can count my own faults too,i’m not saying i’m perfect but these things you do will always get to me and i won’t be happy or able to say anything.I think we rushed into all this and got family involved too quickly.
God know i love you a lot and thats why i’m doing what i’m doing .i really cant continue like this.i know no one is perfect but ayo you are set in your ways and you are unwilling to change.
Try to show your mom more how much you love her,call her more and all.she really wants that.
Make your cousins your friends
even your uncles,ayo family is everything
And stand up to those who treat you the way you don’t like stop them from talking to you anyhow
Build up yourself to be a bolder better person
And instead of complaining take all to God “be anxious for nothing but in every thing by preayer and petition make your requests known unto God and the peace of God which Transends all understanding shall garrison your heart in christ Jesus
Make friends with Guys,look for God fearing people that will spur you on to victory, xxx,xxx and all those your girlfriends don’t strike me as such people
I’ve always known you to pray,do more of it and the Holyspirit will teach you all you need to know
Build up your self esteem you are wonderfully made and God has a plan for you
Increase your committment to giving tithe,offering and partnerships its important
Never say i cannot live without this person,te moment you said it,it rang a bell in my head.Its only God that should be the most important person in your life.don’t elevate anyone else to the position of God
and lastly ayo,when you make a committment,stick to it no matter how hard it is,The bible talks about a man who keeps his oath even when it hurts that man is blessed.
If you think there anyting you want me to change you can let me know.
This is me signing out.I care for you but i know God cares more and can take care of you…………….

PS: she will most probably want to shoot and bury me if she knew i blogged this. but this is how i deal with my issues.