Seasons of silence

I am in a season of silence. And it’s a very lonely place. I terribly miss the sound of God. I miss the knowing presence of the spirit. I miss the camaraderie of our relationship. I miss not having someone to bounce my ideas off of. I miss not being able to debate cultural and religious affairs with Abba. I miss not having insider information that the cute girl across the room is safe to approach for a destiny driven interaction.

Yet the surreal thing about this silence is that it seems to be man made. I sense that it is not God who is silent but it is me who has become hard of hearing. I assume this is coming from my broken and bitter experience from last month and I haven’t fully healed. 

The one thing I am sure of right now is that I desperately miss and long for the intimacy with God I used to enjoy.  And am struggling to restore it. I try to remember his past words to me, I try to find patterns in the bible’s narrative of his interactions with my predecessors of faith. But most importantly, my heart longs for him, in a dry and thirsty land…

Dear God, in the words of robin thicke, I’m lost without you, can’t help myself…

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The eloquence of silence

I used to pray a lot. The conventional way. As I matured in my faith I prayed less. Because I found something better. Intimate conversations with God. This has been my default for a long time now. 

Then I was inspired to begin documenting my  conversations with God early this year. Through it all there has always been this lingering fear at the back of my faith. What if I was making it all up? What if what I thought was me talking to God was simply my mind talking to me? What if the words I claimed to hear God speak when simply unconscious thoughts I had picked up randomly? I have lived with this doubt in my relationship with God. One thing that gets me through those moments is knowing that even if my mind was doing the talking, because the life of Christ was embedded in my spirit, ergo I had the mind of Christ. It’s like marriage. Being married to my wife over the  years has created a rubbing and mingling of spirits, that many times we sense and compete each other’s thoughts.

My point is this. I have not heard God in a while. As much as I would like to. This could be a bad thing but I am seeing the good in it. This is proof that, the voice of God I have been hearing may be through my mind, but is not of my mind. Because I can choose to make up new conversations if it were just me. But there’s been radio silence. 

Since my faith broke last month I have been struggling between loving and hating God. He has reached out desperately. I have been reluctantly thawing. But the intimacy is still fractured. 

Now in the silence, I recognise the veracity of his voice and words. And I miss the sound of the spirit.

Rocky path of faith and speaking in tongues

I am finding my faith again. Very slowly. 

Last month broke us. We broke up with God. We accused him of lieing and betrayal. We turned deaf ears to him. 

When tasha cobbs sang gracefully broken, we snickered. God breaks. And not gracefully. Cruelly, maybe. Backstabbingly, maybe.

But in the end he who breaks is also the only one who can heal.

So we are finding our faith again. Climbing out of the murk of anger and bitterness and deferred hope. It is a rocky path. And it is not easy reconnecting with an estranged God.

Trying to pray has been a 10 seconds affair lately. But at least we are trying.

In the past 3 days I have been reminded about speaking in tongues. It used to be our default mode. Maybe that will help now…

#ConversationsWithGod: long distance

#AndGodSaid: 

you are making this harder than it should be. you are stifling my voice. you are not yet ready to hear my words so i have been trying to sing to you but you keep cutting me off. you refuse to listen to any sermons or even listen to any gospel songs. even when you do, you zone out and refuse to connect with me. 

it doesnt have to be this hard. since you don’t trust any of the gospel songs i am trying to sing to you, here’s one that you will not wave off. I will keep singing this to you till you come back home. 

That emptiness and lethargy you have been feeling is because you refuse to let me in. This long distance thing we are doing now is not healthy for you, and it breaks my heart. I need you. Your wife needs you. The world needs you. Let me in.

There’s only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time
And I’m running out of things to do to get you off my mind, oh
All I have is this picture in a frame (oh, ah)
That I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where I’d rather be
But we’re stuck where we are
It’s so hard, we’re so far
This long distance is killin’ me
I wish that you were here with me
But we’re stuck where we are
It’s so hard, we’re so far
This long distance is killin’ me

It’s so hard, it’s so hard, where we are, where we are
You’re so far, this long distance is killin’ me
It’s so hard, it’s so hard, where we are, where we are
You’re so far, this long distance is killin’ me

Now the minutes feel like hours
And the hours feel like days (whoa, oh)
While I’m away (away)
You know right now I can’t be home (ah)
But I’m comin’ home soon (ah)
Coming home soon (ah)
All I have is this picture in a frame (ah)
That I hold close to see your face everyday.

With you is where I’d rather be (where I’d rather be)
But we’re stuck where we are (oh, oh)
It’s so hard (oh, ah), we’re so far (oh, ah)
This long distance is killin’ me
I wish that you were here with me (you were here with me)
But we’re stuck where we are (ohh)
It’s so hard (oh, ah), we’re so far (oh, ahh)

Can you hear me crying?
Oh (oh ah, oh ah)
Can you hear me crying? (oh, ah)
Oh (oh ah, oh ah)
Can you hear me crying? (oh, ah)

Oh (oh ah, oh ah)
Oh, woah (oh, ah)
Oh, no (oh ah, oh, ah)

With you is where I’d rather be (where I’d rather be), whoa
(But we’re stuck where we are) oh
(It’s so hard) so hard (we’re so far), so far
This long distance is killin’ me
I wish that you are here with me (you are here with me)
(But we’re stuck where we are) stuck where we are, so hard, so far
This long distance is killin’ me

It’s so hard, it’s so hard, where we are, where we are
You’re so far, this long distance is killin’ me
It’s so hard, it’s so hard, where we are, where we are
You’re so far, this long distance is killin’ me

There’s only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time

Songwriters: Peter Gene Hernandez / Philip Lawrence / Jeff Bhasker / Rodney Jerkins / Bruno Mars

Long Distance lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management US, LLC

#ConversationsWithGod: hearing

I said: 

sometimes i catch myself whispering to you, then i stop short. i am wondering if it makes sense to stillbe talking to you. i am wondering if i am not crazy to claim that we have conversations. because i am struggling. i am struggling to believe that you really hear me, or that i really hear you. yesterday i was talking to sheila, and i said what if you are dead? or what if i have been hearing you wrong? i mean i think that if i have heard you wrong once, then how can i be sure that i have ever heard you right? i mean i am in a place where i don’t trust my ability to hear you right, or that you even exist. but sheila challenged me to look back at those things that happened just as you said. i told her it could be a coincidence. she said what is the probability of everyone of those times being a coincidence…lol..the problem with arguing with an M&E believer…but talking to her helped especially when she showed me that the same thing you told me here was the same thing you told her around the same time….so if i heard wrong, did she also hear wrong? so i want to believe that you exist and that you talk to me and that i hear you…because when i think back to the last thing you said before this crisis of faith, it seems like you were actually preparing us for this crisis of faith. Perspeectives, you said, you wanted me to focus on perspectives…

no, don’t say anything to me yet. i am not yet able to hear you speak to me directly….

#ConversationsWithGod: reset

i said:

in a vulnerable place. hazy vision. blurred lines. rage. regret. emptiness. hate you but love you. need you but don’t want you. blame you.

#AndGodSaid:

i am your high priest, very familiar with all you said. i was human too. stop fighting me. let me help you. i have walked this road before. let us reset. 

#ConversationsWithGod: the enemy  

I said:

You sent Angela to me tonight. She gave me your message. It’s bitter sweet. Because She got the first part right. Where were you? You talk a lot about how you are always there for us but those words don’t mean anything to me right now. Infact hearing the second half of her words piss me off right now. You Keep throwing the cross in my face and telling me how you gave up your son for my good. how is that supposed to make me feel better? what good is the hope of eternal life when you don’t even fulfill the hope of my present life? why should I believe that you will come back for me when you are not showing up for me? You mentioned Job and I am pissed that you think that is helpful. I mean, that is the point am making! what sort of a loving God allows his kids to go through so much trauma? You broke the man and just because you restored him doesn’t take away the brokenness. If you’re all that, why do you need pain to work out perfection! You’ve broken me now. To the point that I don’t trust your words anymore. I don’t believe you care, or you listen, or that you want to help. Oh sure I believe you can, I still think you’re the omnipotent, I just don’t see all this love you talk about. How can you hurt someone you say you love? How can you lead on someone you say you love? Why tell me great promises that you don’t plan to keep? 

The only reason I am not walking away from you completely is because you’re the only one I have. So not today god, today you’re still the enemy.

#AndGodSaid:

I am not giving up on you. My love for you is unconditional.