Wisdom Tooth and Other Stories

I think i may be growing a wisdom tooth. I feel something at the back of my jaw, and it feels like a tooth coming out. I Googled it, and the pics i saw almost made my stomach turn. I have never been to the dentist, and am so not looking forward to going. I can’t stand pain at all. I hope this is not bad news.

In other matters, N discovered my blog. Hmmm….she hasn’t said whether i should continue or stop. She did say i should have asked her permission before displaying her life in technicolor.

I am really learning a lot with N. I am learning things about myself that i had taken for granted. I am seeing myself in the mirror, as she engages my life. I am realizing that it’s not always about me. I am learning that someone else has stakes in the matter and that someone’s heart is also involved. I am learning that a relationship is not just about the romance and roller-coaster ride of emotions; it involves understanding each others moods, and attitudes and emotions. It involves making compromises for the other; saying yes, or no, just because of the other; going the extra mile because of the other; not sweating some of the small stuff even if there’s a reason too.

N is showing me up in places that i thought i was ok; and without making me feel like a failure, she is challenging me to stand tall and square my shoulders. There is just something about the way she complements me that i cannot put into words. Something about the way she enhances my personality without losing hers.

I find myself each day coming to a conclusion that she could be my Proverbs 31. It’s exciting, and yet it’s scary.

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To know or Not!

I am like an open book to the people i love. I expect the same from them.

But.

If any man is in Christ, he(she) is a brand new creation. Old things have passed away, all things have become new.

N said, “So maybe you can talk about your past because you have had a squeaky clean past. But everyone is not like you. I won’t hide anything from you. But there are certain details i feel are unnecessary, and will just be baggage to our relationship. No, i have not had a squeaky clean past like you, and i would rather not talk about some things.”

I understand where she is coming from. At least i think i do. But my preconceptions. I have always imagined my girl and I doing the “History” talk. How will i know if i truly love her without knowing all of her?

To know is to love, yes; but to know is also to judge – even if unconsciously! So, to know or not to know, that is the question.

To know is to love – Part 1

“[Let me give you] a clue to finding your mate – the church is my bride, and the church is a reflection of my glory; in other words, my beauty, excellence, and strength; perfection is seen in my bride. So, your mate is the one that displays your splendor; she is your glory, a reflection of who you are. And it is my job to prepare her for you. And I am working on it. So be patient. I know your tales of love, quite amusing, but I assure you that you will be well rewarded for you have learned the secret of perfect love.” said God. (September 2005 excerpt from my book of prophecies)

Like scripture says, when the Lord turned around our captivity, we were like them that dreamed. Sometimes, I want to pinch myself, because it feels like I am in a dream. I am learning to look beyond the ideal image of a girlfriend that I had formed in my mind for way too long. You know that childhood fantasy of marrying some Hollywood-chick look-alike, with fair skin and long hair and the grace of a princess. Somewhere in my profile on this blog, I have written that I like girls, especially pretty ones, and I always used to tell my friends that the packaging a woman comes in (ladies, forgive my expression) was as important as the content.
N does not fit the Hollywood bill. She’s your everyday woman – good-looking and pretty in an everyday sense, graced like an everyday woman, with an everyday family background and history. Her greatest selling point for me is the way she just effortlessly understands and compliments me. It’s almost like she did a course on my kind of person, and she is totally comfortable with who I am. Most of the girls I liked, admired me for one thing or another, and saw me as a nice guy to know. But this is someone who seems to just like the whole of me and is ready to be a part of my life. We talk about serious stuff and she points out areas I know I need to improve, and compliments me on areas I used to think made me queer. I don’t talk a lot, but she likes to fill in the silence and ensures that she has my attention, then suddenly stops, and demands that I say something, anything. And then I find that I do not have to come up with a long list of things to say like I used to do for most of the girls I like. I can just talk with her about anything, without having to be precise and on point, or prim and proper. I don’t have to put up a stage performance, or switch into impression mode. I can just be me, and she thinks I am wonderful.

I am not used to someone showing me such attention, just because they like me. I am used to being the one giving the attention, hoping that they would get to see the love I was trying to share. Many times, it annoyed them more than it endeared them to me. But with N, its like am sitting back and she’s just giving to me. I don’t have to ask, and many times I am not even expecting, but she just shows up with something that simply delights me and makes me smile – a call, an sms, a buzz on IM, a short message through someone, a pop-in when she’s around my office – you know, such little acts of attention and affection that make the heart warm.

God did tell me that he was taking the work out of my success. I didn’t think it involved my romantic life. But I guess God really does care about what we care for. I really like N (and more with each day), and it’s obvious that she likes me back. I would like to be “in love” with her, but I guess love is something that really, unlike Hollywood depicts, should grow with relationship. For example, I love God more now, than I did when I first knew him. Pastor Chris would say, “To know is to love.” So N, someday soon, you will get to read these chronicles. Here’s to knowing you!

Deja vu?

“Son,the reason you do not have a girlfriend is because I have not given you one. And I have not given you one yet because you have the gift of love. Understand that it is a precious gift. And I do not cast my pearls before swine. I do not want you to throw away that gift. But I want you to sow it, for it is in sowing that you will reap. And yet it matters where you sow your gift of love, for some ground will yield you no harvest; while some will yield you thirty-fold, sixty-fold and a hundred-fold. The latter is what I want for you. For the gift of love that you possess is such that will not be satiated except with a hundred-fold harvest. Not many have this. You are one of the few; that is why you have such un-fulfillment in your love affairs because you can only be satiated with an equivalent gift of love. I am preparing her for you. She will deserve your gift, and she will reward your gift. She will also complete your gift. She is not common. And that is the reason you do not bump into her. But know that she is there. And you will find her when she is ready. Until then, trust me and do not lose your gift.” said God. (December 30, 2005 – excerpt from my book of prophecies)

My best friend (BF) and I have been together for some four years and some. I first met her in university fellowship, where she was assigned to teach me Foundation School – a short introduction to the basics of the gospel as believed by Christ Embassy. Back then, I was this know-it-all kind of person, and the thought that ran through my mind was, “so what do you want to tell me that I do not know?” Then she started speaking to me about the gospel, and by the time we were done, I reluctantly agreed that she was worth listening to after all. That was the beginning. Eventually, we became very close and intimate, that friends actually thought we were dating. But we were just very good friends. Then we became best friends.

The thing is she is the last person I would choose for my best friend. She wasn’t “diva-ish” enough. Actually, she had a lot more “bush-ness” to her that I had to do a lot of work to get rid of. She dressed like a nun. And was, in my opinion, too spiritually straight. But in the past four years, I have come to realize that it was no coincidence that we met and bonded. It was a divine arrangement, because she has been much more than all the other pretty, cool and diva-ish girls I looked for a sister-figure in. She has been the sister I always wanted. I am literally a part of her world – her fiancé and entire family have accepted us as inseparable. Even her mother finally accepted the fact that we sleep in the same bed, not because we are having sex, but because we are that intimate. I definitely got more than I expected with BF. And I am glad God did not ask my opinion.

Something tells me that God is pulling a déjà vu on me. And I have this nagging feeling that God is laughing at me, amused. Why? Because I am scared. I am scared because what I have always wanted has finally come to me. And it has caught me off-guard. I think, unconsciously, I had settled into the idea that I could not get a girlfriend. But now, it’s official. I am no longer single. And it’s scary because it was so easy. I didn’t have to work hard. It seems like she just showed up in my life.

You know, it’s funny, but God sure has a way about what he does. And he seems to take delight in interrupting my ordinary life. When I started this blog, I decided to call it “Days of Our Lives” because it was going to be the chronicles of my walk with the Holy Spirit. Then just a few days ago, I realized that in the last 10 or 11 years of my life, God has literally interrupted the direction I thought my life was heading. And he seems to be doing it again in my love life.

My best friend is in town, and I told her about N and my suspicions that she really liked me. I didn’t think there was anything more to it, because she was friendly with a lot of people – she’s the kind of person that is very outgoing, and get you talking even if you didn’t want to. So I was not quite sure if the intimacy that was springing up between us was more than just friendly attention. I introduced N to my BF after Wednesday service, and the next day, N calls me up and asks me for BF’s shoe-size. Later in the day, I get a parcel that contains a pair of brand new shoes for BF. Needless to say, BF likes her already, and is confident she likes me for more than friendship. So we fixed a double date to the movies after Sunday service.

Later on that night as I walked N home, I asked her about the direction of our relationship. I wanted to know exactly what we were doing. Unfortunately, I am no longer a teenager, and I don’t have the time or liberty to play Romeo and Juliet. Besides I do not think my emotions can deal with it. So I needed to know, if this was for real. And she said yes, she would like a relationship.

I just got off the phone after 97mins of talk with N, and somewhere inside our conversation, I told her I had something special for her; then I put her on speaker, flipped open my laptop and hit the play button on Babyface’s “Every time I close my eyes”. That song pretty much says it all.

It feels nice to have someone who likes you- just because. You see, most of my life, I have worked extra hard to get the girls I like to like me back. Most of them just liked me enough to be my friend, but friendship alone was not what I wanted. I wanted a relationship, and I pulled out all the tricks I had learned from Hollywood and romance fiction. It only seemed to drive them further away. So for the first time, well, second time really (another days story), it is good to have someone trying to win my affection and attention.

Now this is where it gets funny, and this is where I think God is laughing at me. I was expecting a wham-bam attraction, you know, the love at first sight instant attraction kind of thing. I was expecting a head-turner that made your palms sweaty and made you swallow spit. I was expecting time to stand still when I saw the object of my affection. I did not get all of that. What I got was a simple ordinary nice-looking girl who had a personality that seems to compliment mine, and who seems to be attracted to me without me having to put up a show, or make any extra effort. It seems almost too easy. I am not even in love with her. I just like her a good deal. After working so hard for 27 years to win a woman’s heart, it’s kind of strange that it should come this easy. It’s totally unexpected that I don’t have to pull out all the stops to get N to like me. She just does, and she’s not afraid to let me know.

That’s the scary part. Because none of this was in my plan. And once again, it appears that God has interrupted my ordinary dreams. Trust me, if the options were left to me, I am not sure I would have picked N. Yes, she is good-looking and attractive, but I think I had formed the image of a diva in my mind for way too long. I had come up with a cover-girl image and conditions and criteria for the woman I wanted to fall in love with. But I am slowly learning from experience that God many times delivers diamonds in dust-covered boxes. Like BF.

So, déjà vu?