Month: April 2018

#ConversationsWithGod: hearing

I said: 

sometimes i catch myself whispering to you, then i stop short. i am wondering if it makes sense to stillbe talking to you. i am wondering if i am not crazy to claim that we have conversations. because i am struggling. i am struggling to believe that you really hear me, or that i really hear you. yesterday i was talking to sheila, and i said what if you are dead? or what if i have been hearing you wrong? i mean i think that if i have heard you wrong once, then how can i be sure that i have ever heard you right? i mean i am in a place where i don’t trust my ability to hear you right, or that you even exist. but sheila challenged me to look back at those things that happened just as you said. i told her it could be a coincidence. she said what is the probability of everyone of those times being a coincidence…lol..the problem with arguing with an M&E believer…but talking to her helped especially when she showed me that the same thing you told me here was the same thing you told her around the same time….so if i heard wrong, did she also hear wrong? so i want to believe that you exist and that you talk to me and that i hear you…because when i think back to the last thing you said before this crisis of faith, it seems like you were actually preparing us for this crisis of faith. Perspeectives, you said, you wanted me to focus on perspectives…

no, don’t say anything to me yet. i am not yet able to hear you speak to me directly….

#ConversationsWithGod: reset

i said:

in a vulnerable place. hazy vision. blurred lines. rage. regret. emptiness. hate you but love you. need you but don’t want you. blame you.

#AndGodSaid:

i am your high priest, very familiar with all you said. i was human too. stop fighting me. let me help you. i have walked this road before. let us reset. 

#ConversationsWithGod: the enemy  

I said:

You sent Angela to me tonight. She gave me your message. It’s bitter sweet. Because She got the first part right. Where were you? You talk a lot about how you are always there for us but those words don’t mean anything to me right now. Infact hearing the second half of her words piss me off right now. You Keep throwing the cross in my face and telling me how you gave up your son for my good. how is that supposed to make me feel better? what good is the hope of eternal life when you don’t even fulfill the hope of my present life? why should I believe that you will come back for me when you are not showing up for me? You mentioned Job and I am pissed that you think that is helpful. I mean, that is the point am making! what sort of a loving God allows his kids to go through so much trauma? You broke the man and just because you restored him doesn’t take away the brokenness. If you’re all that, why do you need pain to work out perfection! You’ve broken me now. To the point that I don’t trust your words anymore. I don’t believe you care, or you listen, or that you want to help. Oh sure I believe you can, I still think you’re the omnipotent, I just don’t see all this love you talk about. How can you hurt someone you say you love? How can you lead on someone you say you love? Why tell me great promises that you don’t plan to keep? 

The only reason I am not walking away from you completely is because you’re the only one I have. So not today god, today you’re still the enemy.

#AndGodSaid:

I am not giving up on you. My love for you is unconditional. 

#ConversationsWithGod: by your side

Me: i am here, i don’t want to be, but i am here. 

God: i know, and i am glad you are here

me: i don’t know why you bother. i noticed all your attempts to get my attention, why bother? i really didn’t want to hear you. until denzel washington showed up this morning.  and then you sent eunice. i mean you have gone to great lengths to catch my attention…from the US to Uganda…i would be flattered if you had gone to such great lengths to stop me from being so mad.

god: you’re upset, i understand.

me: yes i am upset because i blame you. i trusted you. i believed what you told me. but you lied. why lead us on? why should i bother to listen to anything you have to say? what difference does your promise make? you don’t step in when you should. you leave us to hang. you left jesus on the cross too.

god: ouch. that was mean, that hurt.

me: but you did. even jesus looked for you and you weren’t there.

god: you’re upset, i understand

me: so i am here, what do you want to say to me this time?

god: you’re upset and it’s only human for you to be. i don’t want to give you words right now. i just want to give you comfort. i just want you to know that, no i didn’t abandon you. i didn’t not show up. i just want you to know that i am here with you in your pain. and i won’t speak until you are ready to listen. but i will be right by your side, in silence, grieving with you.