The Evidence of God’s goodness vs God’s Complicity in evil

Faith is messy.

I cannot deny the evidence of God’s goodness in my life, but I am pissed at God for his complicity in the evil in my life.

I know I need his help, but I am too bitter to talk to him

My faith is on auto-pilot, and when I catch myself singing a worship song, or speaking a word of prophecy, I stop mid-sentence, because it doesn’t feel sincere

My favorite worship songs are too painful to listen to

The words of prophesy and prayers that want to bubble up out of me feel like futile efforts

I am in a cold war with God, and yet I know that only God can save me

I hate that I need God, because if he was really my God, then I wouldn’t have to need him

I know that God has been good to me, and I also know that God has allowed evil for me

I want to curse at God, but I also want to hang onto him for rescue

I know that perspective changes everything, but right now hurts too much to care

A Very Present Help in Troubled Times

Psalm 46 verse 1 is the word that God has given me as the world screeches to a halt in the midst of the coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic. As I type this, I am conscious that my body has been fighting something over the past few days. I have experienced some mild symptoms that are similar to the the what the NHS have been cautioning against, despite the fact that I have not left my house in the past 7 days. Fortunately, I already had a work from home routine, but my wife has not yet been able to get off work, although she seems to be fine and well.

I had to turn off the news the first time i started feeling a bit feverish because i felt i was being overwhelmed by all of the bad news being reported and that had created in me a stress-fever.

i took a paue from writing this post because i have not felt very well, and the only reason i know that my symptoms are not of the covid virus is because i do not have a high temperature or a cough.

as the world continues to shut down while trying to fight back against the virus, i have been holding on to god’s word which he spoken to me concerning 2020. this is supposed to be a year of elevation according to my prophecy, but right now it feels like the whole world is sinking. death numbers rise everyday, people are losing their jobs and even for those of us who still have jobs, there is a huge threat to the sustainability of our jobs.

i try not to be afraid. i try to remember that god does not lie. i remind myself that god has delivered before even when all hope seemed lost. and i meditate daily on psalm 46 where god assures us that even when the earth is crumbling, all we need to do is be still and know that he is god.

thank you for your soverignty in the midst of troubled times. thank you god because those who call upon your name can both be delivered or rescued. thank you because believers who have passed away in this pandemic have a promise of eternal life with you.

many people are using this pandemic to share their thoughts about how the world is coming to an end and how jesus is coming soon and how all of this is a judgement from god.

personally the only thing god has told me about this pandemic is nothing. however, he has hinted something to me about the year 2030 – so i know that this is not the end of the road, not now, not yet. but from 2030, things might be different, i am not sure what he meant because he only gave me one word, which i am not yet allowed to share publicy.

In Green Pastures

in my office, my desk is by a window overlooking a field of green grass where my collegues take their dogs for a walk during lunch hour. a few weeks ago, as i walked past the green grass, i felt the impression of god that the green grass was a symbol of my current season of faith – that god had positioned me in green pastures.

in exactly 15 mins, i will turn 39 and it is amazing for me to realize that i will soon be leaving my 30s behind. where did my 20s go? just 10 years ago, i was 29, and that year was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. it was the year i quit my job as a church staff and began a new unimagined career in international development. in the space of a few months, god had moved me from an underpaid, homeless church staff to an entry level international development professional where my first salary was more than i had made in my last 5 years as a church staff. since 2010, i have seen god reward me in ways i never imagined, and i cannot help but think that the past decade was a harvest for gving god the first 5 years of my professional life.

as i stand on the edge of a new year, i tremble with expectation and fear. because of what god has shown me. for the first time ever in my relationship with god, he has given me a 10 year prophecy for my family; 2019 to 2029. i know god’s big picture for my life and while that should give me comfort, i found myself in the last couple of months filled with anxiety about how the prophecy would be fulfilled, and what i must do to ensure that i do not wreck god’s plan. as if i could.

in the midst of my anxiety, the spirit has been trying to teach me about contentment but i have found myself struggling with this. living from a place of contentment with gods timing and pace for my life feels irresponsible to me because i like to know the details and have a plan for how things should play out. a friend of mine pointed out how that translates to me not trusting god, and in reflection i feel like i need to help god keep his word.

as the clock counts down to feb 28, i am worshipping and the holy spirit has reminded me that i am in green pastures. god said, you are missing out on the journey i am taking you through becuase you are too focused on the destination. i pray that as i become 39, i will learn to enjoy gods presence more than i agonise about helping him keep his word. god has been good to me, and he ha demonstrated a faihfulness to every word that he has spoken to me over the past 10 years. why do i fear that the next 10 years would be too hard for him?

i have seen more than i imagined i would see god do for me. there are still promises that i am waiting on him for, but it is clear that he has been guiding my path to an expected end. i can trust him. he has demostrated a good track record of being "alewi lese, alese, lewi"

so happy birthday to me, and here is to my god, who is the i am that i am.

The Dilemma of Care Giving for Aged Parents

dear god, i had a whatsapp video call with my mother yesterday, and now my worry mode is activated. knowing my mother’s health is so unstable that she has to cancel two already purchased trip tickets has me really concerned about how to care for her in the coming years. next month she turns 70, and living so far away from me, with no close family members to care for her, makes me very very anxious.

i am tired of having the constant debate with her about how to care for her in the future. she refuses to acknowledge that she is increasingly becoming less self sufficent and will need to depend on others for her daily care. she refuses to agree to move to a different city where she can be in closer proximity to my wife’s family. and unfortunately i am not yet in a position to have her move in with me. this is one of those moments where i am pissed off about being an only child. and unfortunately care homes are still anti-culture in nigeria.

i don’t know what to do lord. i don’t know how to fix this or stop it from crowding my thoughts with worry. i am trying to live in contentment as you have instructed, but this matter, this one crucial decision is paralysing my faith. show me what to do lord.

A Walk in the Garden

It continues to amaze me how god randomly confirms his spoken word through everyday occurrences. yesterday, i was venting with an old friend over whatsapp chat about how i felt a little bored with my current season even though it is the good kind of boredom because i am presently living a dream life. but i still feel a restlessness despite being fulfilled. i feel like god has me walking around in a garden, just having fun. so this morning, i was doing my blog rounds and one of the faith bloggers i follow shared what god told her about strolling with god. the moment i saw it, i felt like it was a confirmation of what god wanted me to know.

when i think about it, i feel like i understand a little of what god is doing. remember what the psalmist says? he leads me beside still waters, he makes me lie down in green pastures. and also when he said, when the lord turned around our captivity we were like them that dream. walking with god, in a zen like state, is what the peace of god is meant to feel like. god is doing a work in the lives of his children that is meant to bring them to a replica of the garden of eden. a place where god provided for adam, and all adam had to need was wander around lesiurely, while tending to the garden.

i guess it makes sense that a life of toil and labor is actually the result of being seperated from god. and even though society has conditioned us to believe that prosperity must be earned through intense labor, god is trying to recondition my mind to understand that elevation is an effortless rising to the stars.

i hope that i can learn to accept this leisurely walk with god through the garden, and be content with his will and timing for my life.

12 Months A Dream

Today is exactly 12 months since God opened the door for me to become an expat. This post is a memorial for me that “Alewi, lese, Alese, lewi” – the Yoruba expression for a God who is able to fulfill his words, and brag about his track record.

looking back over the last 12 months, one thing is certain, holding onto Gods’s word, even if everything around us threatens our confidence in what we believe, is not a futile effort.  around this time last year, I was in a place in my faith that made me question the existence of god. having resigned from my job, because I was waiting for my visa to relocate to the UK, it was a huge shock to receive a denial to my application. I wondered what would happen to me now; my job offer was based on me relocating to the UK and I had practically ended my life in Nigeria. But now I understand that nothing takes god by surprise, and he always makes a way of escape. despite the denied visa, my company was willing to try again, and even willing to engage me as a remote staff until my visa application came through. and so, on this day last year, i began full time work as an international skilled professional.

sometimes, living by faith is a very exhausting experience. but one thing i have learned is that god does not leave us comfortless. there is always a backstory he gives us to remind us that “ALL THINGS” will work together for our own good. in the past 12 months, god has exposed me to a life i never imagined, i have learned to unlearn and to grow beyond my comfort zone. it has been a stretching period that was both exciting and scary at the same time.

but i am confident that it is also just the beginning. for the first time ever in my walk of faith, god has told me about the next 10 years. I have jotted down annual prophecies for my family from 2019 up to 2029. it has been humbling to recognize that i have come to a place in my faith where god is able to reveal the distant future to me. and it has also put me in a place to question how much i really trust in god.

despite having a god-announced 10 year plan, i still tremble at the thought of how it will all play out. i still struggle to internalize the fact that “Alewi lese”, and that it is not up to me to fulfill the prophecies. knowing how the story ends is meant to keep me confident of god’s plan for my future. but also remembering how the story has played out is meant to keep me content with god’s cadence for my present.

so cheers to a 10 year hope-filled future, because of the evidence of 12 months a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

Contentment

I am struggling to be content with God’s will and timing in my life. And this makes me feel ungrateful because for the first time since I began hearing god’s annual instruction, he has given me a 10 year prophecy for my life. So basically, i know how my story ends in the next 10 years. Shouldn’t this give me a confidence and lightness of my mind? Yet i find myself, typically, agonising over how the prophecy will be fulfilled. Constant internal conversations about what i must do, how i must be, where i must be, who i must connect with, what i must learn, what i must start or end, to make sure that the prophecy is fulfilled.

i know this sounds like i am trying to take on the role of god in my life. and maybe that is some proof that i am not really a man of faith as i believe. i want to see the details before trusting that god is able to do what he has said. i want to feel like i am in control, and can determine the events and outcomes that will place me in the fulfilment of what god has spoken over my life.

in the midst of my struggles, i hear the faint voice of the spirit impressing on me the need to be content. in the past 12 months i have been living a life i would never have imagined for myself. yet all through this time, i have been too future-focused to even appreciate and enjoy the season of life that i have been brought to.

i sense that god is asking me to focus on contentment, to be content with what and where he has positioned me. to live in the moment, and to stop agonizing about tomorrow. i sense that god is asking me to depend on his daily instruction rather than a programmed schedule. i hope that i can do this.

A 2019 Retrospective

In preparation for 2019, God told me it was a season of immeasurable excess. As i began to walk in this instruction, he continued to give me directions for the season. For the first time ever, god gave me a 3 year plan for 2019, 2020 and 2021. He labeled these years as the year of exposure, year of elevation and year of establishment. Since then he has gone further to reveal to me his 10-year plan for my life. But that is a story for another day. Today, I want to look back on 2019, the year of exposure.

January
January was the best and worst month for me this year because I found myself in between god’s promise and my reality. I was in the middle of processing my relocation from nigeria to the UK; an opportunity that was as exciting as it was scary. a few people knew, but mostly we were being circumspect about sharing the news, as we waited for our visa application to come through. I had put in my resignation in the office, and ended my lease with my landlord. i had committed to giving away our cars and furniture, and were wrapping up our life in nigeria. and then the news came that our visa application had been denied.  for a moment, our world stopped, and a huge weight of doubt began to push us against the wall. january was supposed to be our last month in nigeria, but suddenly we were thrown into a waiting bubble…

February
This month felt like a vacuum. My wife and i drifted through life in fear and uncertainty. the refusal of our visa application had cast a shadow over our enthusiam and our faith. i questioned everything i ever heard from god, i wondered if i had made a mistake, i avoided people because of how hard it was to explain why we had not left nigeria. i felt completely lifeless. Most of our days in this month were spent in a zombie-like state. We packed up our belongings in the house, half afraid that it was for nothing. Some days we tried to be hopeful, frantically searching online for hope from other believers who had shared their relocation journey. throughout that month, my favorite search term was “relocation by faith”. i wanted some assurance that i was not alone, that others had experienced the same rejection and hopelessness that we were feeling, but had come out victorious. it helped a little, but most nights were the longest. the waiting, the not knowing what the future would look like, the waking up each morning to face another day of uncertainty, of pretending to friends and family that we were excited about relocating, while deeply fearing the worst. it wasn’t all gloom though, because in the middle of the uncertainty god had presented a slight glimmer of hope. my new company had agreed to engage me as a remote contractor while they reapplied for my visa. so even though i had resigned from my old job, i was not unemployed. in retrospect, i see all of this experience as the “cloud as small as a man’s hand” that elijah and his protege had seen just before the deluge of rain. but you see, this is the tricky thing about faith, i am connecting the dots now, 11 months after the fact, but back then it was hard to see through the rejection and fear that god may have failed us.

March

March was a reminder that many times our greatest fears are unnecessary, especially when walking by faith. despite the delay and uncertainty, my wife and i eventually departed Nigeria for the UK.  It was a period of relief and gratitude that holding on to god’s word had not been a mistake, as we immediately began the journey of building a new life. It was also a period of excitement, still mixed with a tinge of fear, at the adventure that lay before us. As usual, my over anxious mind went into overdrive thinking of how we were going to find a good house. Back in nigeria, i had already started googling and researching online about first time renting in the UK and there were a 1001 reasons for me to be worried. Yet again, God came through and we found a beautiful new build home less than 10 mins from my office. By the end of the month, wehad moved out of our airbnb into our own 2 bed apartment.

April, May, June
These months were a whilrwind of change for me. I was giddy as a school boy. God had blown my mind. Living and working in the UK was not something I had ever imagined. In my younger years, my uncle who lived in the US had regularly encouraged me to participate in the US visa lottery. But I never found it enticing. I think it was mostly out of fear though, I realize that my biggest fear for relocating out of Nigeria was wondering if I would be good enough to thrive in a more advanced environment. Back then, I was content to dream of visiting and having fun in the US, but actually living and working there was not a thought i entertained. Especially not for the UK. I had no frame of reference for the UK. I had no family ties, only knew a handful of people from my university that had moved to the UK, people who i wasn’t really in touch with. So to me, the UK was, in the words of tasha cobbs and nikki minaj, “something i had never seen before”.

over these three months, my wife and i began to settle down into our new life, learning how to live in england. everything was unfamilar and intimidating. we had to learn how to ride a bike, use the bus, program the thermostat, open a bank account, set up direct debits, register to vote, register with a GP and a bunch of other mundane necessties. while the process was quite easy because everything was available online, it was a bit overwhelming because we had to figure out most of this on our own, and it felt like being a baby again. my wife had this fear of communicating with people because she wondered if she would understand their accent, or if they would understand hers. i had the fear of proving myself to my new colleagues, when i struggled to contain their boudeless energy and excitement, or understand their sense of humor and interests.

by the end of the quarter, i had my first in-country reminder that the life of a believer is one that requires a constant “fight of faith”. despite the excitement of relocation and easing into a new role, i hit a brick wall when i received an unexpected critical appraisal of my performance from my boss. i felt attacked. only 3 months in and i had been slammed on the job. i felt it was an unfair act by my manager, and suddenly my long fear about failing to thrive abroad surfaced with a vengeance. What if i wasn’t a right fit for this job? what if i had a made a mistake in accepting this job? what if turning down the biggest offer of my life in Nigeria was a grave mistake? my self esteem instantly went down, and suddenly god’s blessing seemed like a burden. the end of june brought a drape of despair over my life and faith, and once again i began to question if i had really heard god right?

July, August, September, October
the secret to being a believer is that you are meant to interprete everything through the eyes of his spoken word. however, knowing this, and living this, are two seperate things. as i began a new quarter my faith was deflated. why would god bring me into a new job where i was instantly assessed poorly? how was i to demonstrate my competence with a manager that already felt i had not met expectations? i lashed out at god, why did you give me a difficult manager? what if we never got along? what if i was fired? i had no safety net. i had literally ended my life back in nigeria.

i tried to stay strong. i went back to my writings of what god had spoken to me, i looked for clues to understand what was going on. i recalled nikki minajs’ words  “so even when i cried i knew i’d be fine”  in the theme song for my faith (Tasha Cobb’s I’m Getting Ready) and i tried to learn what god was teaching. he had already started explaining to me that 2019 was a year of exposure. it meant i would be exposed to a new way of working, it would strip me of the comfort and competence i had gained over the years, it would stretch me beyond what i thought i could achieve, it would force me to unlearn poor working habits and relearn new processes.

and slowly i began to see the light as i dived in deep into my role. the scales began to fall off my eyes as i saw that my difficult manager was exactly like me, only more exposed and disciplined. she was the better version of what i could be, and even though i hated how much she was pushing me put of my skin, i realised she was “my dark room” where god was exposing my raw image for a more beautiful processed picture.  i spent these months travelling around ethiopia and kenya for work, and i began to experience more sunshine than cloudy days.

in retrospect, and based on the 10 year prophecy god has revealed to me, i understand that god does not evade process. there is a future that god prepares for his children, but there is also the process of preparing his children for that future. this was the main reason god had revealed 2019 as a year of exposure. it was the beginning of our season of immeasurable excess, but first god needed to expose our minds to the possibility of something we had never seen or heard before.

November, December
the last 2 months of 2019 brought for us a small sense of stability. i was more confident in my role and my job. i had experienced more of life in the UK and was gaining some comfort from familiarity. i was even beginning to adapt better to winter weather. but most eventful of all, i finally graduated from my masters programme. a programme i was so afraid i would fail. 3 years later, i was attending my graduation ceremony in person in edinburgh. again as i think over this event, i realized even more how needless it is to worry about the future when you are walking with god. i remembered how my wife and i had been hoping and praying that we would be able to afford travel cost and fuflill visa requirements to allow us visit the UK for my graduation. and yet, all along, god was planning that i would be attending my graduation not as a UK visitor but as a UK resident – paul was right when he defiined god as the one who is able to do exceedlingly and abundantly above all we think…

my wife and i enjoyed a quiet first christmas in england, indoors, and in a few hours, 2019 will be history. as usual, my over anxious mind is navigating the days and weeks of 2020, trying to peep into the details of a year that is yet to begin. i am also feeling some pressure that comes with all the end of year reflections and pronouncements that everyone makes. however, i am not particularly motivated to pray or fast or any of the religious activities typically done around this time of the year.  maybe it is because i already know what god’s will for me is over the next 10 years? 

2020 is coming…
2020 doesnt really feel like a new year for me because months ago, i already received my prophecy for 2020.  i have also come to understand that the fine print of his will is not in one big reveal, but a daily, evolving discovery. just a few days ago, god began to reveal to me the guiding scriptures for my year.  so i have now is a heartful of gratitude for where we are, and where he is taking us to. 2019 was a good year, cheers to 2020.

 

Dear 2010 Ayo

In 2019, you will be working and living in the UK. But all you are thinking of now is how to quit your job in church, and leap into the unknown.

i know how scared you are, i know how desperate you have become; but i want you to know that you made it. there were a lot of unknowns after you resigned from the church, and you experienced some sad moments, but in the year 2019 you were chosen to relocate to the UK. i know that is hard for you to believe now, but this is something to encourage you. your life will get better. you may not have enjoyed your time working in church, but that time was necessary to ground you in your faith in God. it is this faith that well see you in the coming years. you will have to hold on to this faith many times, but you will see that faith does not fail you.

everytime you talk to god, he will talk back to you. and when you trust him, you will experience a blessing. right now, you are homeless and you have to move in with your girlfiend, but in a few monthss you will be doing your dream job and making more money than you have ever made in your life.

i want to tell you that you need to learn financial management, but i know that you won’t have that knowledge then. so you will lose all the money you have after about 2 years. and you will be worse off than you are now. you will have lost your girlfriend, you will have been used and cheated on by another girlfriend. but in the midst of it all, you will meet the girl that you will marry. she will encourage you when you get to the lowest point of you life; she will be the reason you do not pack up and run back home to mummy. she will stand by you, she will marry you even when you have nothing to offer her.

after you marry her, you will begin to experience some sunshine. you will find a job working with the government, but you will hate job. you should not, because that job will be like the manna that god sent to sustain the israelites in the wilderness. you will not get a lot of that job, but you will come out wiser. and you will not starve your wife.

god will keep you there for about two years. he wants you to learn how to be abased, he wants you and your wife to build something out of nothing. you both need to learn to love ech other without the distractions comfort and luxury. this will help you guys depend on each other, this will help you both to be invested in each other, this will help you both to trust each other.

after you learn this, you will begin to see new sunshines, and you will begin to blossom, slowly, safely, pleasantly. you wil grow steadility for the next 4 years, and you will not lose your innocence or your humility. but most importantly you will grow in your relationship with god. you will depend entirely on the holy spirit for every decision you take, you will not be moved by popular opinion. and because of this god will begin to open doors for you that you never imagined.

in 2019, god will give you an opportunity to relocate to the UK. you will accept it. and you will begin a new life. i have told you all of this so that you understand the road will be long, the road will be bumpy, you will experience tears and laughters, but not one moment will be unimportant. the mistake you will make is that you will always be anxious about the future, you will not spend enough time to smell the roses and savor every moment. you will not feel your sadness as you cry, you will not double over and fall as you laugh, you will miss the moments that you should savor because you are constaly thinking of the future. a future that you would never imagine.

i am writing you from 2019 so that you know you made it this far. and when you get to 2019 you will still face a lot of fears, but all you to should remember is to live in each moment because you have a father in god who will not walk out on you. there will be more bumps in the road, there will be more battles you will fight, but you must always remember than in 2010 you felt your world had ended, yet in 2019 you will feel like your world is just beginning.

so, breathe, smell the roses, and enjoy every moment that god gives you.

I am your burning bush

#AndGodSaid:

I see you. I know that you are afraid. Not afraid that I am unable, but afraid that you will miss me. Let me assure you. You worry about whether you will recognize my will and my timing. I am not a God who enjoys failure. I have a purpose to accomplish so I will ensure that I catch your attention, in the same way that I caught Moses’ attention with the burning bush. The call I have on your life is too important for me to not make sure that you do not miss your moments. I am your burning bush. I will attract you. You will not be able to miss your defining moment. I will bring into your line of sight that which you need to see, and I will cause you do that which you need to do. I am your burning bush.

Father, Son and Spirit

God is manifested in three personalities, Father, Son and Spirit.

These three are one being, with distinct personalities and expressions.

We will never see God the Father. Because created man, now and in the future, cannot stand the intensity of the energy that exudes from the Father’s presence.

This is the sole pupose for the existence of God the Son.

Without the Son, we will never be able to relate with the Father. The Son is the body of the Father. The Son is the visible image of the Father. The glory of the Father is experienced visually and audibly in the person of the Son. We can approach the Son. We can wine and dine with the Son. We can have conversations with the Son. We can express emotions to the Son. We can be serious or silly with the Son. The Son is the tangible interface through which we are able to connect with the Father.

And yet, we can only approach the Son after the Spirit introduces us to him.

The Son is only approachable through the express permission of the Spirit. Without the Spirit bringing us to the Son, we are simply spectators of the Son from a distance. The Spirit permits us to come into the presence of the Son; in the same way that a password permits us to access the contents of our email inbox. Knowing my email address does not grant you access to its contents; unless you have the password. The Spirit is the password to the Son.

The bible is a historical narrative that has documented selected experiences of other people’s interactions with God the Father. It is not the word or voice of God. It is a collection of oral and written reports, handed down through thousands of generations, and distributed through several interpretations, to paint a picture of the personality and character of God the Father. It is a history book that fuels in us, a desire to discover our original roots. It is a pointer to the Son, who is the word [visual expression] of God. It is a guide to recognize the voice of God, which is the Spirit.

To know God the Father, is to be exposed to God the Son through a connection with God the Spirit.

PS: God is both male and female.

Let me grow on you

I am in the middle of working on my dissertation when i glanced at my phone on the bed. My phone is a Samsung Note 9, the latest available in the Note series. I have always been a fan of the Note series because of it’s s-pen. I am very particular about having stylii for all my devices; i think i have about 6 or 7 different stylus at any given time for my Samsung Tab S3, Samsung Note 9 and even an Active Pen for my HP laptop.

No this post is not about my devices. As i looked at my Note 9 on the bed, I realized how reluctant i was to get the phone a few months ago. It was, in my view, too large for my comfort. I had grown to using my Tab S3 more over the last few years, and all i ever used my phone for was chatting on WhatsApp and phone calls. So i wondered why I needed to hold a large device in my hand. Especially when it was costing almost 1000 pounds. But since the phone was been paid for, I decided to get it anyway.

And now after a few months of using it, it has become so common to me, and I wondered how I ever lived without it. I now spend more time on my Note 9 than on my Tab S3. As i looked at the phone charging on the bed, the holy spirit whispered to me: Let me grow on you too.

You see, as i continued to use the Note 9, it had grown on me. The large size was no longer an unwanted feature. In fact, the longer i used the phone the more features i discovered about the phone and how useful it is to me, that i no longer had to use my huge Tab S3 that meant the world to me just a few years ago.

The holy spirit continued to speak to me – I have brought you into a place of rest, a place where you do not have to toil as before. It feels weird that you should be functioning from a place of rest, and you are struggling to earn my blessings. But you must understand that my blessings are the gift of a father to a son; they are the expressions of my heartful of love for you; I want to see you giddy like a school boy; I want to see you explore pleasant paths that i have prepared for you, in awe of me, rather than toiling. you see, when i created the garden for Adam , the plan was for him to walk around in evolving discovery. there are layers to me that adam would still be unfolding even today, had sin not come into the world. but i will recreate and restore all of this. i am giving you a shadow of what new life with me will look like, so let my love grow on you, let my mercy grow on you, let my grace on you, let my blessings grow on you; let me grow on you.

I am bigger

A few days ago, God whispered to me in the shower, “I am bigger than everything you fear”.

I have been trying to meditate on those words since then. One of the things I struggle with in my walk of faith is fear. Not knowing the details of things that concern me, not being able to control the outcomes of things that concern me, and overthinking the worst case scenario constantly weigh heavy on my faith.

When God spoke to me his vision for 2019 late last year, he also gave me my first set on instructions. He said “be still and know that I am”. This was further confirmed by the 2019 prophecy from my church – wait and see [the salvation of the lord].

For me, I need to constantly remind myself to be still. I need to remind myself that God is with me and has already done so much for me. It doesn’t matter what challenges I may face today, or what uncertainty I may think of tomorrow, God is the author of my present and my future.

This morning I opened Twitter and I saw a message that reminded me again that my present is the proof that God answers prayers. I remember early this year how afraid I was that God had failed me. Yet today I am living in the prophecy that God gave me. Against all odds.

On this side of eternity there will probably always be something to threaten our faith and our peace. But we can choose to remember that God is bigger than anything we fear.

Beside still waters

I was walking leisurely to the office this morning, listening to a joel osteen podcast, and speaking in tongues, when the holy spirit whispered to me: “i am leading you beside still waters”.

that caught my attention big time. the past couple of weeks, i have been struggling with adjusting to this new life that god has given me. a life of leisurely work, where i function from a position of rest.

it is funny, because i have spent most of my prayer life asking god to bless me, and then when he blesses me, i struggle with how to receive the blessing. i feel like i need to work hard to earn what god has freely given, and i battle a feeling of irresponsibility and unworthiness. I want to work hard for the goodness of god, so hearing him speak this words to me really caught my attention.

one of the results of being led by the god is that you will come to a place of rest, where your productivity and your increase is less dependent on your efforts. it is gift of grace and favor, and all that is expected of us is to be still, and simply walk with god beside the still waters.

Walking with God

In the last few days I decided to stop cycling, and instead walk to the office. Summer is approaching and the weather is warmer and nicer to walk in.

When i cycle, it takes me about 10 mins to get to the office, while walking takes me about 30 minutes. I find that during my walk I can catch up on my podcasts and sermons, while speaking in tongues and listening for God’s voice.

One particularly new podcast I discovered was God Centered Success with Mia Rene – listening to her talk as i walk to the office has done a lot to boost my confidence and prepare me to face my new role. Even though it has been almost 3 months since I resumed work, there are still tons of new things I have to get familiar and competent with, and sometimes I struggle with Impostor Syndrome and the fear of failing. So it helps to pump faith-based strategies and reminders as I walk to the office.

I also realized that there is a reason god has positioned me in this environment. Just like he positioned Daniel in Babylon, and gave him 3 years to learn the skills of the land so that he could provide excellent and exceptional administrative governance to the king, I believe that i have also been placed in this job to  help achieve our organizational impact.

I find that walking with God every morning helps frame my mental capacity and spiritual awareness to learn new things and to improve old things.

A future and a hope

Yesterday, my wife and I went to Heathrow airport to receive a friend coming in from Nigeria.

I paused briefly after writing the sentence above. It feels surreal to imagine how far God has brought us. If anyone told us 6 months ago that we would be living in the UK, it would have made us laugh, and yet here we are.

I was walking home from work today, when I paid closer attention to a sign I always see during my walk – “Always thoughts of tomorrow in mind” – it is the tag line hanging above a company building.

As i walked past the building, this scripture lighted up in my mind: I know the plans i have for you, plans of good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. It reminded me of where I was coming from. Between 2005 and 2010, I was so sure my life was going nowhere fast. Then God turned everything around, and the sun began to shine in my life.

Sometimes, we can only see as far as our eyes can see. But I have learned over the years to see with the eyes of faith, and to live a life of prophecy. Every year for the past 4 or 5 years, God has been speaking to me ahead of each year. In 2018, he gave me a word through the lyrics of the song by Tasha Cobbs and Nicki Minaj – I’m getting ready.

If my mobile phone could talk, it would testify of how many hours that song played on my deezer app. Day and night, I listened to that song, I spoke that song, I prayed that song, I studied scripture through that song. Looking back now, I can see how every word of that song has become a reality in my life. “I am getting ready to see something i have never seen before”. Indeed, I am now living a future i never imagined, and a dream i never even thought to hope for. Indeed, one thing is certain, when you stick to the word of God, you will come back with a testimony.

But there are moments when i fear that i will wake up to find that this is all a dream. There are moments when i am afraid that someone will discover that i do not deserve any of this. There are moments when i fear that the devil will be able to take back all that God has given. I guess this is why the holy spirit highlighted that signage to me. It spoke to me that I am fathered by a God who has has thoughts of my tomorrow in his mind. The scripture reminded me that I am living in a future and hope God prepared for me without my knowledge, which implies that there is yet another future and hope that God is still preparing for me.

#AndGodSaid: the beginning

I said,

Wow God, look what you’ve done for us. It feels satisfying, knowing that my wife is at work and I am also at work. One month after we arrived in the UK, we both have places to wake up and go to in the morning. Thank you Abba.

Tasha and Nicki were spot on, i had no idea the weight behind their words when they told me you were going to blow my mind. I can’t thank you enough.

Cycling to work, feeling the cold air blow against my face, I feel nothing but appreciation for where you have brought us. Ofcourse, it doesn’t negate the fact that somedays I am scared shitless…and i wonder if i deserve any of this, if i am not an imposter in all of this. How can i be one of them? They’re so smart, so articulate, so exposed, so driven…and I feel like a fish out of water.

The only thing that keeps me going is remembering that you said you are with me in this. Knowing that all of this is not what i earned, but what you have gifted me. So I can trust that you’re smart enough to make the right decisions, I mean your decesions about the universe have turned out pretty accurate since from creation.

So yeah, thank you for this. I surrender to your ability

#AndGodSaid:

I am glad you are happy. This is just the beginning. We have more to achieve together. Enjoy my child.

#AndGodSaid: Room to Grow

#AndGodSaid:

Give yourself room to grow, ayomipo. i know how you feel and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. i have brought you into a new thing, it takes time for new things to become establish. even when i created the world, everything didn’t spring up automatically, for example, i called forth the trees, but a man was still needed to till the earth. tilling takes time. do not be in a hurry to fly when you should be learning how to walk. above all, remember that this is your 7th day. i have brought you into a season of rest, not toil. your strength and your growth is not in your toiling, but in surrendering to my rest. give yourself room to grow, kiddo. i am with you always.

Today, this Scripture is fulfilled…

Well, not exactly today. Rather 3 weeks ago.

Earlier this month, my wife and I landed in the UK. It was our second trip to the UK in less than 6 months. But this time, we were not visiting. I had quit my job in Nigeria, we had ended our home lease and given away all our property, packed up 4 checked-in luggage and 2 hand luggage and bought our tickets to the UK. Why? Because God said, go out of your country to the land that i will show you.

Sometime in August last year, God began to speak to me about 2019, that it would be a season of Immeasurable Excess. And one of the things he revealed to me was that 2019 would be a continuation of 2018. In 2018, God had given me this prophecy; a season of overflow, he had said. This prophecy was based on the amazing song, I’m Getting Ready, by Tasha Cobbs and Nicki Minaj. Looking back now, God literally blew my mind and fulfilled every word that Tasha and Nicki prophesied. 2018 was a very good year, and my wife and I truly experienced overflow in our lives.

The crowning of the overflow came towards the end of 2018 when I received multiple job offers. Incidentally, this happened just a few days after we finally decided to acknowledge God’s leading to sow our biggest single seed yet. Transferring that money to our pastor was both exciting and scary for us because that money wasn’t spare cash – it was everything we had then. But God honored our faith and seed.

Between October and December 2018, our dilemma was choosing between multiple job offers from international organizations. One of the jobs was offering me double my salary, another was offering more money and opportunity to work from home, another offer insisted that I must relocate to the UK. When I asked God which job was his will, he said something interesting to me, “I am offering you different flavors of ice cream, whichever one you choose will bring you satisfaction, just in a different flavor, but I will be with you in either choice”.

Finally, we accepted the offer to relocate to the UK. For us this was another step of faith. This job was not the highest salary offered, but it would bring me more exposure and opportunities to deepen my skills and education. It would also require a bigger dependence on God. All the other offers would have been safe and comfortable, but moving to live and work in the UK (especially in the middle of the Brexit dilemma) was both exciting and scary. We would have to depend on God for every step. After I accepted the UK offer, the process began. I started doing due diligence about relocating to the UK, seeing counsel from trusted people who had spent time in the UK. I got both positive and negative feedback, and it was confusing. But God kept telling me i was at liberty to choose and he would back my choice. So the company began processing the paperwork for me and my wife. As a step of faith, I gave a resignation notice to my office, told my landlord i was moving out by the end of January and started giving away all our property ( we had promised God that we would not sell anything, because we began our life in Abuja with nothing, we wanted to rediscover God’s provision again).

But just because God gives you a prophecy does not mean there won’t be resistance. While we waited for our visa application, I was on a work trip when my wife informed me that our visas had been denied. I almost went crazy. I had already turned down the other job offers, resigned from my office and practically promised people to come and pick up our properties, because we expected to travel abroad at the end of January. I panicked. I felt betrayed by God. Had I heard God right? Did i misunderstand God?

Fortunately, the company was very sympathetic. They had spent a lot of money to do the paperwork. They tried to encourage me and promised that since I had already resigned my job they would give me a consultancy contract to start working from home immediately. Then they would reapply for our visas. I remembered when Pastor Sola explained the significance of God repeating a thing (Grace, Grace). I remembered when Joseph in the bible explained that Pharaoh had dreamed the same thing twice because God had determined to fulfill it. Of course I can say all of this now in retrospect, but back then all I felt was panic and fear. So the company reapplied for me. And the wait began. The first 2 months of 2019 (here, here, here, here)  were the most stressful period for my wife and I. Waiting for our visas the second time around, not knowing if we would be denied or approved. All the excitement and faith we had before completely evaporated. We were completely broken. How would we face everyone we told about our relocation? My landlord kept calling, asking me when I was moving out. The people we had promised our property kept coming to pick them up, not knowing the uncertainty that we were facing.

But just because our prophecy tarries does not mean it is denied. God always watches over his word to fulfill it. Eventually, we got the email alert to come pick up our passports. We were scared to go to the visa center, and to even open the envelope after we collected it. When we finally opened, we were staring at our Entry Clearance. 2 days later, we departed Nigeria.

Looking back over the experience of the past months, one thing that stands out is that God was giving us a backstory to hold on to. I was not sure if coming to the UK was God’s will, and I think God allowed the delays and uncertainty to happen so that he can point us back to that period to show us that he was the one working all things. Another thing that proved the hand of God in our move – when the company sent my offer letter, they gave me a relocation allowance. When my wife and I were reviewing the expenses we realized that we would barely have enough money to start life in the UK, especially because we were not selling our property. I began to panic and wonder if this was really God. I was even angry with God that he made me choose a lower paying job offer. The next day I got an email from the company saying they had decided to increase my allowance (proof positive that God answers our thoughts). As if that was not enough, while we were waiting for our visa application, I sent an email to the company asking for a second relocation increase because of certain unplanned expenses that had come up. Imagine the boldness! But again the company agreed to increase my allowance. Two visa applications; two allowance increase. I was convinced that God was determined for us to relocate.

During the cross over service into 2019, Pastor Shola had prophesied that 2019 would be a continuation of what God spoke to us as church in 2018. For me, this was a confirmation of God’s personal word to me for 2019.  Pastor Shola declared that 2019 was a season to Wait and See the hand of God, the salvation of God. I had signed my offer letter in December, but between December and March, my wife and I faced a lot of uncertainty about what we believed God wanted to do in our lives. We prayed, we held on to what God had spoken to us personally, we remembered what pastor Shola had preached in church, we comforted ourselves with several faith building songs when we were too depressed and afraid to pray. We waited impatiently. We doubted God, we got angry at God, we feared for our future. But in the end, we have seen the salvation of the lord.

Waiting on God is not easy, it can be painful and it can be frustrating. But we have seen the word of God fulfilled. Presently, I am writing this blog post from an empty 2 bedroom apartment that only has one bed and kitchen table when God has promised us Immeasurable Excess in 2019. We may not yet see it, but now we have the confidence to #WaitAndSee because someday soon, this scriptures will be fulfilled again.